Haha, married sex, am I right?
How much do dead batteries cost?
Nothing, they’re free of charge.
My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
I played “My Heart Will Go On” on a public piano and people yelled at me.
Can't wait till this cruise is over.
When God closes a door, He opens a window.
My point is, this church needs a better fire evacuation system.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
My son came up with this one…
I was walking to the bedroom with a 20-ounce drink. My son was hiding behind the wall and said "boo". He asked "were you scared?" I told him "no, but what if I were and spilled this drink all over myself?" He said "then that would be on you". I told him "nice pun". He still doesn't get it.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
I’ve just written a book on how to fall down a stair case.
It's a step-by-step guide.
To the person who stole my selfie stick…
…You need to take a long look at yourself.
How do you cure depression ?
Love it. Then it will leave you after a while for someone else.
What did the rooster do to impress the hen?
He wrote poultry for her.
As a doctor, I’ve never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
One day a mother and her 5 yr old daughter
Were sitting at a table doing a puzzle. The daughter looks at her mom and says " mommy you have such pretty hair, but why is some of it white?" Smiling the mother tells her " you see honey, whenever you do something that makes me cry. My hair turns a little more grey." Hearing this her daughter's jaw drops and her eyes go wide as she asks " MOMMY WHAT DID YOU DO TO NANNA?"
Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.
I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.
Dude 1: “Bro can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure.”
What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
An Oopsie-daisy!
How did the scarecrow win an award without moving?
He was out standing in his field 👨🏻🌾
I invited all my friends over for my thirty second birthday
After half a minute they all went home.
What does the scrotum of a catholic priest look like?
Stupid question, even a child knows that.
I was using my drill at work when all of a sudden it heated up so much, it caught fire!
So I called up Dewalt and they said: “not to worry! It’s just a fire drill.” REDDIT! IM GOING TO BE A DAD!!! 😀