Haha men = gross
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said "It didn't work out." She told me to be more specific so I said "I just told you, she didn't exercise."
I always confuse claustrophobia and homophobia
Remind me, which is the one about being in the closet?
A priest and rabbi were skinny dipping in a lake when a group of people arrived.
Some belonged to the priest’s congregation and the others belonged to the rabbi’s. The priest and rabbi left their clothes on the other side of the lake and didn't have time to retrieve them, so they got out of the lake hoping to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi who was running with his hands covering his face. “Rabbi! What are you doing?” he asked. The rabbi replied, “In my community, they recognize me by my face!”
What kind of drugs do ducks take?
quack cocaine
Occasionally I drew Carey
but I drew Barry more
I always encourage everyone I know to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
One cow asks another cow, “Are you afraid of mad cow disease?”
The other cow says, “Why should I be? I’m a helicopter.”
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage…
I lost my case
What’s the opposite of isolate?
You so early
This girl keeps coming into my pub holding up protest posters.
I think I'm going to banner.
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance…
Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849?
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
How do you know if a sniper likes you?
He misses you
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leaves…
This Movie Trailer Thumbnail and Title are Sending Serious Boomer Humor Vibes
https://ift.tt/2QPPJrg
The Deep State, like goblins and the ogres upset children and the feeble-minded
https://ift.tt/3d5lc23
NSFW.. Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” Priest: “What have you done my child?”
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?
Because they are filled with anty bodies.
There are two types of people in this world.
Those that finish their sentences and those
Did you know that French Fries don’t originate from France?
They were originally made in Greece
What do you call a person who lives in Sweden but isn’t from there?
An artificial swedener (((Or "Swede-ish" as another user suggested)))
How to you send an apology by telegraph?
By using remorse code.
The accident
A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the…" "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, …please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road…." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie". Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods
But its harder to deter gents
I am retired…
I was tired yesterday and I am tired today as well.
I’ve never actually seen someone use a newspaper to kill a spider, shoes work better
https://ift.tt/3bGffYi