Haha mother in law bad
When I was a single man, I had a lot of free time.
Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly leave the house.
I found out how vaccines cause autism,
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
We didn’t go anywhere, but now you have $40,000 in student debt.
stupid kid doesn’t know real art computer=bad
Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them.
He says to the first Priest "I'm Jesus Christ." The Priest replies "No son, you're not!" So he says to the second "I'm Jesus Christ." He says "No son, you're not." The drunk says "Look I can prove it." He takes the two Priests into the bar. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!"
Too much of this going around
My Salesforce Admin keeps saying “sWiTcH tO LiGhTnInG” but i just love classic!
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover there butt Quacks! Straight from my ten year old…. I’m so proud.
I recently walked down a street with the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, 1mb etc
That was a trip down memory lane
Me running my code again without changing anything expecting it to suddenly compile
Wife bad, car good, domestic violence? Acceptable.
Use HTML debugger.
I’m writing a mystery novel
No text found
I just started my own business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
All the rich do is scaremonger
Ancient Aliens doesn’t know what a stingrays is
It’s not socialism, because I’m in oil and gas
A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
Now restarting MS-DOS
Too close to home
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
2 blonds are in heaven….
One asked the other: "how did you die?" "I froze to death" said the second blond "That must be awful, how it felt?" said the first blond "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You are very cold and eventually you're muscles get numb and you freeze to death. It's sort of calming. How did you die? " "Well, " says the first blonde, " I had a heart attack. You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me. I came home unexpectedly and went upstairs to find him on the bed naked. I checked the basement, but no one was there. I ran up to the second floor and checked every room, but no one was there. I ran all the way to the attic, but I had a massive heart attack and I died." "Wow, " says the second blonde, "If you checked the freezer we would both be alive."
When your AI passes all the unit tests
‘At a restaurant with food still on my plate’ Server: “You wanna box for that?”
Me: 'It's not worth fighting over'
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
Shared by my honorary boomer cousin
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive…
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
I made a website for orphans
There’s no home page
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling me! Are you serious?
Me: Yes, I’m not kidding you.
The lighter side of… sexual assault
I decided to learn sign language.
It’s surprisingly very handy.
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
I was addicted to the hokey pokey
But I turned myself around
Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off Just a joke lol please don't kill me with the downvotes
devout believer in trickle down
Back to work!
Please tell us why
The company he keeps
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Because curiosity killed them all.
We have a unsigned 8-bit genie here
Found this cartoon in my newspaper
*googles best responsive web templates*
Two elves walk into a bar
The dwarf laughs and walks under it
I’m telling dad jokes…..
Sometimes he even laughs!
Let’s never forget this.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND BROTHA?!
A Chinese man enters a Jew’s lingerie store…
-I want 20 black bras size 85 D. The Jew: -Of course, but black is rare color, so their price is 15$ for each one. -It does not matter, said the Chinese, -I'll pay. He took the purchase and left. After a week the Chinese returns again. -I want 30 black bras size 85 D. -Yes, of course, said the Jew, -but it's so hard to get them, so now their price jumped to $25 for each one. -It does not matter, I'll pay. said the Chinese, paying for the purchase. A week later, he comes again to the Store Jew. -I want 100 black bras size 85 D! -Yes, but their price has jumped a lot, the Jew said, -it is extremely difficult to deliver them; Now they are 55$ for each one, -It does not matter, I'll pay, replied the Chinese. As the jew packed the order, angry with curiosity, he asked: -Excuse me, but can you tell me what do you do with so many bras? -I cut them in the middle and sell as Jewish caps for 200$.
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary I want to have sex with you and I’ll make it very fast. I’ll throw $1000 dollars on the floor and by time you bend down to pick it up I’ll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said to her “but ask him for 2000, pick up the money very fast he won’t have enough time to undress himself”. So she agrees! Half an hour later the boyfriend calls back and asks “what happened?” She responds: “The bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still fucking!”
A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg
"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!" "I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the doctor asked. "That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Please! I really need $5! Just $5! Please! I'm desperate!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was truly dumbfounded. "Wait, Doc, that's not all of it. There's more. Just put your ear down on my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need $20! Please lend me $20, please! I am really desperate!" "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in any of my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "However… I can make a well-educated guess. Based on life and all my previous experiences, I can tell you with some certainty, that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
My math teacher showed us this
I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now
they are a non-prophet organization
Guilty of this!
Before the clock strikes midnight on Dec. 31 be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you'll start off the new year on the right foot.
Here we go again. Damn boomers ruining Beetle Juice…
[NSFW] Two friends were hiking in the woods
As they're hiking a snake bites one of them in the balls Panicking the other friend ran to get help from a park ranger. He asks the ranger what to do. The ranger says you have to tie off the limb really tight to prevent the venom from circulating and suck the venom out of the bite. The guy runs back to his friend who's laying on the ground in agony. He asks what the park ranger said. "Dude you're gonna die"
Wife gives headache
Guess where this was found.
Here I fixed it
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing that Arkansas.