HAHA OLD GRANDMA 😂😂😂
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
They always drop their needles!!
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
"Mind if I give the melons a squeeze?" he asks. "Go right ahead!" the fruit lady replies, handing him one. He gives it a good few squeezes, more than necessary. A bit impatient, the fruit lady assures him: "That's ripe!" "No, it's not!" the Aussie replies, dropping the melon in disgust. "You gave me consent!"
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training."
I'd have 83 cents
He was a real tan gent.
I have a Czech one, too. One too.
I don't know what scared him more. The fact I was naked or because I knew where he lived.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of "in" is.
The sentence "Use Chemicals to remove the Polish" could mean either a botched Manicure or Hitler's return
He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Dave volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Dave saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." said Dave. So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "DID" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "DID NOT" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Dave Several days later, Dave received a response email from his mother which read: Dear SON, I'm not saying that you "DO" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "DO NOT" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if SHE was sleeping in her OWN BED, SHE would have found the sugar bowl by now!!
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If they get to high they'll get busted
The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."
Because that's when you fast.
Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well. He certainly is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.
I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
She said: “in a mirror” This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
the child could technically be considered ginger-bred.
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
'Cos you're breathtaking..
So I packed up my things and right
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…
We are playing Scrabble, and she has a Q that she can’t get rid off.
His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
I'm really not a mourning person.
Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy