Haha old people have bad eyesight
Today I stepped on a hipster‘s foot
Now he is a hopster
Did you know the flag of Japan is actually a pie chart?
Of how much of Japan is Japan.
I named my overweight cat Kelvin
Because he is an absolute unit.
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack
As a punishment I made my son read part of the dictionary.
He learned next to nothing.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
A cop left a nice note on my windshield to let me know I’d parked my car correctly…
It said "Parking Fine"
My mother once told me I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
Why do less marriages take place in winter
Because most of the brides get cold feet.
If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it?
In Google Docs.
How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. Never split the party.
The opposite of Microsoft Office is…
Macrohard Onfire.
True fact: Before the crowbar was invented….
….most crows drank at home.
But then you realise it’s the only worthwhile thing you can do as a CS major.
https://ift.tt/2rLQp7v
What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
It’s hardly known this, but one of Shakespeare’s characters actually died at childbirth.
It was Othello… and then Othgoodbye.
Congratulations, r/Jokes! You are now featured as the most eco friendly subreddit of 2019!
Why? Because everything here is recycled. To everyone on r/Jokes, thank you so much for doing your part in saving the environment!
I’ve been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now…
I'm trying to get out, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
I asked a friend what he thought of dry ice.
He said it was absolutely sublime.
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.” “I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.” “I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?” “Anything, Father.” “I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours…” “Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.” The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. “Sister, would you mind if I touched them?” She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. “Father, could I ask something of you?” “Yes, Sister?” “I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?” “I suppose that would be OK,” the Priest replied lifting his robe. “Oh Father, may I touch it?” The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. “Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.” “Is that true Father?” “Yes, it is, Sister.” “Oh Father, that’s wonderful… stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!”
Why do atheists struggle with exponents?
They don’t believe in a higher power.
What turns “No, no, no” into “Mmmmmmm”?
Duct tape.
What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies.
There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..
Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in. Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the pirates wouldn't then go all cannons and cutlass on their prey. Instead, they would signal over to the merchant vessel, offering to repair the damage to their ship for but a small fee. Having barely survived the storm and taking in more water than they could bail, the crew of the merchant vessels would readily agree. Once payment had been made, the Pirate Captain would send five of his own crew to board the merchant vessel, along with a large wooden crate of tools. They would then proceed below decks and start work. Unbeknownst to the crew of the merchant vessel, two of the Captain's most stealthiest pirates were hiding in the large wooden crate of tools. Once below decks, they would pop out and get to work too, raiding the hold of the merchant vessel and taking all the valuables, jewels and gold pieces they could get their hands on. Quickly tossing their spoils into the large wooden crate, the other two would then work alongside the other five once the crate was full. When the repairs were complete and the seven crewmen had returned with the crate full of booty, the pirate ship would depart as swiftly as it had arrived, before the the crew of the merchant vessel noticed anything was missing. Bragging about his ill-gotten gains amassed using this tactic, the Pirate Captain was booed and jeered at by his counterparts for employing such dishonourable methods. His reply? "Arrr.. it's not loot-boxes I be using! They be the surprise mechanics, and they be quite ethical.."
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
FYI, If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head.
– – – Because it's capsized
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
Its very time consuming.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didn’t know she even sold flowers!
Cop: Sit on that chair,so we can interrogate you.
Lawyer : (whispering) Deny everything. Me : This isn't a chair.
My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
