Haha PewDiePie now you have to upvote
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist
So what if I don’t know what “apocalypse” means.
It's not like it's the end of the world
Mandatory temperature screening will be required for fans attending the Foreigner reunion concert.
If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see.
Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678
Son: Hey Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?
Dad: No I got shot in the leggy.
3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.
25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex. So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request the priest says “Yes, only if each one of you do something bad.” They all agree and off their separate ways. When the first nun comes back the priest asks her about her day. And she tells him all about how amazing it was driving around in a Ferrari. Stumped upon how she was driving a Ferrari he asks the nun how she was able to drive a Ferrari. She responds “You told me to do something bad. So I robbed a bank and bought a Ferrari.” In shock the priest told her to go drink some holy water to cleanse herself. And just as he starting to catch his breathe the second nun comes back. And she instantly starts telling him how great her day at the beach was wearing a bikini. And the priest feeling responsible now asks how she got the bikini. She responds ”I had to drown a lady to get it.” The priest baffled by what he just heard again tells her to drink the holy water to cleanse herself of the horrific crime she committed. The last nun walks in and tells the priest she had a great day just walking around the park. And he knew he had to ask. “Did you do anything bad?” She responds calmly “No, not really, I just peed in the holy water before I left.”
I asked my Wife “Am I the only one you’ve been with?”
“Yes… but I’ve had some sevens and eights.” She replied.
Did you know that there’s actually no official training for garbage men?
They just pick it up as they go along.
I just saw my first porno…
And damn I looked good back then.
My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.
He's a seasoned veteran.
I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said “Remove cap and push up bottom”
It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.
A guy is talking to a girl
A guy is talking to a girl : "Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place" "Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?" "No, I'm a dentist."
Alcoholic snails.
Must have a hard time sneaking out to the pub without the wife noticing.
12yr old daughter got me good
She walked up to me, hands behind her back.. "Check it out, dad! This is really funny looking!" "What? Lemme see…" And the little shit holds up a mirror to my face, giggling her head off. Payback is a bitch, little girl….
Someone looked at me at the store today and yelled “SIX FEET!”
I said "6' 2", but good guess."
Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour
British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words. American English: no u
Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy isn’t there?
The hip replacement guy
I have a hard time falling asleep.
It's much easier to fall when I'm awake.
Doctor: You’re going to have to stop masturbating.
Me: Why? Doctor: Because it's distracting.
I’d never let my children watch the orchestra.
There is too much sax and violins in it
I like using self-deprecating humor.
I'm just not very good at it.
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
Who don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the shit out of the dog.
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants
I like my women how I like my whiskey
Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.
