hAhA sEx FuNnY!!1!
| don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It's pointless. But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or else people will think you're being irrational. But that is beside the point.
I was diagnosed as colorblind yesterday
It came completely out of the purple
Color Blind
I have recently been diagnosed with color blindness. It really came out of the purple. Don’t hurt me.
I’m following my girlfriend to England for the semester.
I’ll be studying a broad.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
My wife just left me
because of my insecurities. Wait, she's back. Just went out to pick the mail.
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
Sure, a library is the place to find a lot of books to read from
But it's the tallest buildings that have the most stories
How can you tell if an ant is male or female?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, its a girl ant, otherwise its buoyant
What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on
The local drug dealer in town started dressing as a Jehovah’s Witness so as not to arouse suspicion.
He was arrested when cops saw people actually letting him in.
Do you wanna know why people with shell fish allergies can’t be body builders?
Because they can’t have mussels.
What’s the best birthday present?
A broken drum Nothing can beat it!
I don’t want to Spoonfeed…
but I like my words to be spelt in reverse alphabetical order.
I was going to be a history teacher.
But I don't like living in the past.
i lost my mood ring this morning
i don’t really know how to feel about that
Smoking will kill you…Bacon will kill you…
But, smoking bacon will cure it.
What do you call a cow in a band?
A moosician. This joke was proudly brought to you by a six year old. He’ll be a great dad one day.
Day 5(?) of wfh. My co-worker insists on ‘reviewing’ my code but also brought along an external consultant called Dilophosaurus that only speaks in roars. They keep making additions to the code that end up giving loads of compile errors, but then blame it all on me. Not productive at all.
https://ift.tt/33x5hp5
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can! I just wanted to make you smile.
A Chinese child was born before his due date…
His parents named him "Sudden Lee"
Our mailman got a sex change
so we call him the postman now.
There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..
Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in. Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the pirates wouldn't then go all cannons and cutlass on their prey. Instead, they would signal over to the merchant vessel, offering to repair the damage to their ship for but a small fee. Having barely survived the storm and taking in more water than they could bail, the crew of the merchant vessels would readily agree. Once payment had been made, the Pirate Captain would send five of his own crew to board the merchant vessel, along with a large wooden crate of tools. They would then proceed below decks and start work. Unbeknownst to the crew of the merchant vessel, two of the Captain's most stealthiest pirates were hiding in the large wooden crate of tools. Once below decks, they would pop out and get to work too, raiding the hold of the merchant vessel and taking all the valuables, jewels and gold pieces they could get their hands on. Quickly tossing their spoils into the large wooden crate, the other two would then work alongside the other five once the crate was full. When the repairs were complete and the seven crewmen had returned with the crate full of booty, the pirate ship would depart as swiftly as it had arrived, before the the crew of the merchant vessel noticed anything was missing. Bragging about his ill-gotten gains amassed using this tactic, the Pirate Captain was booed and jeered at by his counterparts for employing such dishonourable methods. His reply? "Arrr.. it's not loot-boxes I be using! They be the surprise mechanics, and they be quite ethical.."
My wife was mad at me for kicking ice cubes under the refrigerator,
but now it's just water under the fridge.
I still remember fondly the times dad used to roll us down the hill inside tires.
Those were the Good Years.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
Wanna hear a joke about coronavirus?
Never mind, you probably won't get it.
An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money
She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with. After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wanted to deposit in the bank.'$165,000' she answered, and poured the bank notes from her bag on the table. Obviously, the president got really curious about the origin of all this money, so he asked where the cash came from. 'Gambling' she muttered. 'What kind of gambling?' the president asked. 'Bets. Let me give you a real example. I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are rectangular.' 'Hahaha. That's a stupid bet. You could never win.' 'Would you care to accept the bet, then?' asked the elderly woman in a challenging tone. 'Of course! I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't rectangular!' 'Since it's such a large sum, would it be possible for me to return tomorrow morning with my attorney as our witness?' 'Sure' said the president of the bank in an extremely satisfied tone. That night, the president actually got scared because of the bet. He spent quite some time in front of the mirror, checking his balls, turning them to the left, to the right, and to the left again. He meticulously inspected them to make 100% sure his balls weren't rectangular so he could win the bet. The next morning, the elderly woman entered the president's office with her lawyer. She introduced the latter to the president and repeated the bet. 'So $25,000 that the president's balls are rectangular!' The president accepted the bet once again, then the little old woman asked him to lower his pants so they could all see his balls. The president complied. The elderly woman inspected his balls really closely, then inquired whether she could touch them, which the president accepted… after all, he had the opportunity to win $25,000! That's when he noticed the woman's lawyer started to bang his head against the wall. 'What's the problem with your attorney, m'am?' 'Oh, nothing. Only that yesterday I bet him $100,000 that today I'd hold the president of the Canadian National Bank's balls in my hand.'
I want to hear 99 people sing “Africa” by Toto…
…It's something that a hundred men or more could never do