Haha. Simple man
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener
My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.
She was livid and screamed “what the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs”
I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks…
I'm outstanding.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
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The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
A pregnant woman is hit by a car
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!" The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital." She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?" "I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them." "What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?" "He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor. "Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?" To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Then I got kicked out of the library.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. “Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. “Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
I’ve always wanted one of these on my car
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I never thought I’d qualify for the Nudist Olympics.
But I barely made it.
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding …
She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again!
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other:
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
My calculator is missing the minus button.
But on the plus side,…it still works.
Why did the crab cross the road?
He didn't. He used the sidewalk.
[Nsfw] My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, girl ant and if it floats, buoyant
If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man…
…my super power would be foiling crime.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Frankly, your service provider.
The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear.
Is sphere itself.
A man dies and meets God
God tells him "Because of your excellent behaviour in life, I will grant you one wish, you can ask me anything." The man says "Okay, Tell me who killed JFK?" God says "It was Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone, using his own rifle" The man says "Wow, this goes higher up than I thought"
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said "It didn't work out." She told me to be more specific so I said "I just told you, she didn't exercise."