Haha so funny
My girlfriend said that quilts are better than duvets..
I told her she should be careful making blanket statements like that.
2 fish in a tank. One says to the other,
How do you drive this thing
I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand…
WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?
![[NSFW] Tracy doing the Lord’s work](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/e45bt7vueda41-400x458.jpg)
To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.
In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair
People who don’t eat gluten…
… are really going against the grain.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too High
She looked surprised.
Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
When I want a sauna I must have the whole thing to myself.
I have selfish steam issues.
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
If you pour salt on a cat’s tail, it’ll fall off…
If you pour pepper on a cat's tail, it'll fall off, too.
The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like she's never seen a penis before.
a skelepun
so, being a fan of Undertale, i know a skeleton of skelepuns. lemme tell ya, they’re all rib ticklers.
I was using ancestry.com and I found out that my great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's time consuming.
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
Her: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?
Me: That’s a…..novel idea.
Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?
[depleted]
When women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats
This is known as many paws
I got a grandmother in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses
she just drinks straight out of the bottle.
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.
For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves…
So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?” The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old
Those are the years you’re in your prime
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
A horse walks into a bar
The bartender says "Hey!" Then the horse replies "Sounds good!"
I married my wife for her looks,
but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
My wife got really mad at me because I have no sense of direction.
So i packed my stuff and right.
My father identifies as a woman, but he never told me about it
He wasn't being very trans parent.
My ex-girlfriend’s father, a 6’4″ retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.
I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!" "Sir?" I asked. "When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical…" "Yes, sir" "But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!" "Yes, sir" "And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!" "Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one." The nurse tells my I may be transferred from the ICU next Wednesday.
What’s Irish and stays out all night?
Patty O’Furniture
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
I told my friend not to get excited about turning 32. Since her birthday would be short.
"Why would it be short?" she asked. I said, "Because it's your thirty-second birthday."
What do you call a Dothraki riding a squid?
Khal Amari
