Haha sooo funny
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
Just called the tinnitus hotline
It didn’t stop ringing
3 guys have a sleep over
3 guys have a sleep over after watching a scary movie, they all decide to stay in the same bed. The next morning the guy on the left says " last night i had the best dream a beautiful blonde girl was wanking me off " The guy on the right says " That's strange I had a similar dream except the girl was a brunette " The guy in the mindle saying " Fuck sake I had a dream I was skiing "
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
Who can drink 2 liters of gasoline
Jerry can
A man walked into a bar
And stayed there my entire childhood
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet.
We’re a cover band.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"
The King of Spain is now quarantined on his jet
The Reign in Spain will stay mainly on his plane.
I failed my decimals exam
But hey, at least I gave it 109.98%
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life…
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married…
Otherwise
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I don’t understand Joaquin Phoenix
If Phoenixes can fly why is he Joaquin?
Why did the competitive fish eater sustain liver damage?
A: she would never accede a minnow fan! @SwiftOnSecurity
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
I like my women like i like my toasters
Turned on and in the bath tub with me
Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!
Parents are supposed to wrap empty boxes to put under the tree. Then when the children are naughty, throw one in the fire.
But what if they run out of children?
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.” The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!” We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her every need. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.' The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You're lying !!!” The social worker said, “Yeah, well . . . you started it.”
If life gives you melons
Your probably dyslexic.
I know a good eye doctor when I see one.
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A son went up to his dad one day and asked him the difference between hypothetical and reality.
“Well, son, I could explain it. But it would be better if I showed you.” “Ok, dad. How will you do that?” “Go up to your mom and ask her if she would have sex with her boss for $500,000.” So the son asks his mom, and she responds back with “fuck yeah I would!” The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’” “Ok. Now go ask your sister if she would have sex with her principal for $500,000.” So the son asks his sister, and she responds with “Fuck yeah I would!” The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’” “Ok son. Now the hypothetical situation is that we are now millionaires. But the reality is that we live with a couple of whores.”
Why did the super villain cross the road?
To get to the other sidekick.
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
I invented a new word
Plagiarism!
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning…
After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"