Haha THC bad
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese
90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
What’s the difference between a school bus and a cactus?
A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.
Bernie said he’s going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse
On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.
An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.
His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores. The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and some conversation. So, the farmer decided to buy another milk cow so he could start making some money. The farmer realised that by God, this was a good time to get his younger, bookish son, David to start helping on the farm and so tore his book off him one morning and sent him out to milk the new cow. He was somewhat unsurprised, but nonetheless disappointed when David came back shortly after with a full pail of inadequacy. The milk was thin and bland and lacked the rich flavour and creamy consistency of Jed’s milk. With no more than a grimace of disgust, the farmer tipped out the milk in front of his son and told him to do better tomorrow. After two weeks of this with no improvement in the milk David was bringing in, the farmer called his sons one morning and asked Jed, with a ruffle of his hair, if he would bring David out and show him how to milk a cow like a man. Jed reluctantly consented and went out with David, while the farmer sat and waited on the porch with a delicious glass of warm milk from the previous morning. Before long, David trudged back to the house and announced, “I think I know what’s wrong now, sir.” “Well what is it?” asked the farmer, through a creamy mouthful of milk, beaming with admiration over David’s shoulder at Jed who was still vigorously milking. David gestured behind him and said, “That’s a bull.”
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night ?
A new last name.
[NSFW] I got a sweater for my birthday.
I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They'll just beat the room for being black.
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can! I just wanted to make you smile.
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it
He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
Because sin90 = cot45
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick.
Seriously… How low can you go?
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty…
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
While Trump goes off the rails about Russians helping Sanders lets not forget.
https://ift.tt/2unJRh4
Why are pine trees bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!!
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
I have a pencil that was owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.
I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick?
Put it on my bill!!
They finally invented a golf ball that uses GPS signal to locate the hole, and then roll in.
Just dont put it your back pocket.
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor. The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’ The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?” The doctor calmly suggests, “I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don’t let her in.”
A job applicant was asked, “What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?”
“Well,” he began, “my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not.” “Okay,” said the interviewer. “And what about your strengths?” “I’m Batman.”
Today I hit my son in the head with a soda can
Lucky it was a soft drink
I’m going to have my spine removed
All it does is hold me back
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
What do you add to make a car go faster?
No text found
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.” The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear. “For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.” The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title. “In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.
Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times.
My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name