Haha Thomas funny
I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out of the other car and said, “I'm not happy”. To which I replied, “Which one are you then?”
Where the fuck is my roof?
She said, "That's how it seams"
But it just felt Forced.
Just five more minutes.
I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is disappointing.
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
But ive choked a few cougars.
The second man dies. That's why you shouldn't repost.
… and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home. And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.
I told him it was an older version of a henway. “What’s a henway?” My son asked. “About 5 pounds” I replied.
We do it in schools because we have class.
“Nope. It’s as easy as 1,1,2,3.”
For my black jeep…
Cash who? No thanks, but I'll take a peanut! For allergic kids: No thanks, I'm allergic!
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
As soon as we got him home, he made a bolt for the door
Water because butane is a lighter fluid.
That’s how a Bill becomes a Law.
No text found
Which I think is poor for four.
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. 🙁
So for mothers day I've hired her some help.
He pulled a muscle.
His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties." Husband asks:"Which people?"
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass
So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678
I’ll try harder in 2018.
I think it's a bold-faced lie.
a small medium at large
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy. They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty." The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing. "Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!" The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!" They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
I never knew my real ladder.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.