haha wife bad
Did you hear about the guy who was handing out awards to couples that cheat?
He was medaling in other people’s affairs.
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."
I once saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.
I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending.
To the guy who invented zero,
thanks for nothing.
Someone let me know if this joke already kind of exists
Never date a bread maker, They’re so kneady.
Someone asked where I saw myself in two years…
How should I know. It’s not like I have 2020 vision.
A linguistic professor was giving a lecture.
" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative." Student – "yeah, right".
What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night ?
A new last name.
I asked the hairdresser to cut my hair like Elvis.
Stupid bastard started dancing around the shop.
My face! When he says “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”!
https://ift.tt/3eOSfbR
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
After being single for ages, my best mate said, “Can I set you up?”
I said, "Go on then" Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.
My friend showed me his huge comic book collection…
It was quite a Marvel.
Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they’re going to pay.
You have my word
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa…
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried. I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about. I'll never forget the pain of my first case of kid knee stones.
I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs
I called it the second hand second hand store
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care
Interrupting Cow Adaptation
Knock-Knock "who's there?" Interrupting Snail. "Interrupting snail wh-" SNAIL.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
The guys loitering on the street had been trolling this kid for a couple of years.
They'd hold out a nickle in one hand and a dime in the other and ask "Which one do you want? The nickle is bigger!" and the kid would always take the nickle. One day I took the kid aside and asked him "Don't you know the dime is worth twice as much?" He said "Yeah, but if I take the dime they won't ever do it again!"
Online coding bootcamp image vs reality
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awOI37Uvj0M&feature=youtu.be
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.
She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that way, up and down, turned it around, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the *lawyer was banging his head against the wall.* He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland '
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team
Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights. Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program. One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor. As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0. The next day, the headline on the local sports section read: No Offense, Nun Taken
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him, “What’s wrong?”
The boy says, "Me ma is dead." "Oh bejaysus," the man replies. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?" The boys says, "No tanks mister. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment."
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
Although my friend has a lot of hair, he’s paranoid about going bald.
I told him, “It’s all in your head.”
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
I suggested to my wife that we make some Indian bread for a group dinner appetizer.
It was a total naan starter.
My grandfather died because the medics mistakenly thought he had Type A blood.
Turns out it was a typo.
I sell balloons for $1 each, or if you want them blown up it’s $1.20.
I’ve adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
In college, I lived in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
Texted my dad to figure out what we wanted to eat for dinner, and got this one
Me: "So, what do you want to do for dinner?" Him: "Eat, lol. You?"
I’m sure Trump will explain everything to Lindsey and it’ll all be fine in a couple days.
https://ift.tt/2IGWeZw
Hi everyone 24(F) here
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle
It was an ether/oar situation
I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens
Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
I proposed to my ex-wife today
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money.
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After a particularly nasty one, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this, so the following day, he walked in and said, “Class, did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?” all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies!” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”
A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.
As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for." I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know." He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving." The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."
Forget everything you learned in college…
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'