haha wife bad haha
He said, “Yale”. I said, “I SAID, DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?”
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
He was tired of being a web developer.
But I'm just stuck here holding my rod
Morbidly obese. I know I shouldnt joke about obese people they've got enough on their plate.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly. “But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried. “Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose.”
Only one in a million turn out to be a human being. Edit: I got my first silver. Thank you people <3
They were watch dogs.
He just nuts and bolts
American: Have you seen the Titanic? Canadian: What's that about? American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
But I accidentally picked 7 up.
You drop him a line.
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said “see you later, son”. I said indignantly, “don’t call me ‘son’, you’re not my dad!”
… To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
“Because I want to date you.”
I hate being a teacher.
The bartender says "is pepsi okay?" and the man agrees. The bartender comes back with a drink and says "here's your pepsi and coke, that'll be $11.50"
Wife: What? Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying: I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'. Edit: Guys this is just a dark joke… It's not real… I didn't overhear any conversation like that… And I don't have any kids of my own…
It would be an udder disaster
Tell a redditor a joke he will post it for a lifetime
Why Worry? In life, there are really only two things to worry about. Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, there's nothing to worry about. If you are sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you get better, or you die. If you get better, there's nothing to worry about. If you die, there are two things to worry about. Going to Heaven, or going to Hell. If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about. If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends that you won't have time to worry…so why worry?
…unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.
Remains to be seen.
But it didnt ring a bell
They died to become the icon of saving
I was going to eat that later but it will only taste like a carrot now