Haha wife bad hahaahhaah
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator!
How Cult45 reacts when someone tells them their Dear Leader said something stupid.
https://ift.tt/2BmbJSE
What is the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Did you hear about the actress who got stabbed?
I think her name was um.. Reese.. Reese…. “Reese Witherspoon?” No, with a knife.
“I don’t believe it. My son was invited to a sex party.”
"By?" "No, he's straight from what I know."
Why don’t americans eat snails?
Because they like fast food.
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby.
He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
I lent a girl my umbrella yesterday
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. 🙁
How did glue win the marathon?
He paste himself.
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
A golfer and a caddy step into the golf course. The caddy asks, “Sir, why did you bring two bags?”
The golfer replies, " In case I get a hole in one."
I recently took a poll
I found that 100% of people were upset when the tent collapsed.
TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.
Because Fuck U, that's why.
What’s Beethoven doing in his grave
De-composing
I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.
Hold on, it's 900. Edit: No, wait, it's 500.
NSFW.. Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” Priest: “What have you done my child?”
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O."
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.
But it's harder to deter gents. I'll let myself out.
Are slugs just snails that have gone through a divorce?
“Yep, she got the house”
During my boxing career, I was the 2nd best boxer in my country.
I fought in over 100 fights, and came 2nd every single time.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
I found a wallet…
I found a wallet and there was a fresh 100 dollar bill. I asked myself, what would have Jesus done? So I turned it into wine.
I got fired from the sperm bank
I can't figure out why, it might have been that every time someone left I said "Thank you for coming"
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
Mike Tyson gifted little metal cups to his friends…
When they asked what it meant, he said it was a thimble of friendship!
At first, I wasn’t so sure about keeping a beard, but
It has grown on me
What do you call a horse who doesn’t listen to its’ rider?
A neigh-sayer. 😛