Haha wife bad
How do you wake Lady Gaga up?
Pa pa pa poke her face pa pa poke her face.
Why are people with foot fetish losers?
Because they like to taste defeat.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
My wife and I decided not to have kids
The kids are taking it pretty badly
My staircase was getting a lot of buzz, then it blew up
It’s gone spiral
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and say, “That’s a girl’s name!” Terry shoots you.
You have died of dissin' Terry.
I got fired from my job at a bank today
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
An old man walks into a chemist and starts examining packs of viagra…
Nurse: Do you need any help there, sir? Old Man: Yes, every Saturday my wife wants to have sex, but unfortunately, I can never get an erection. Which brand of viagra would you recommend? Nurse: Well sir, everyone is different, but if you come with me to the counter, I can get you a pack that is proving very popular with our customers. The old man follows the nurse to the counter, she turns around, bends over and picks up the viagra from the bottom shelf, as she turns back around, the old man is already walking away Old Man: Thank you very much, I'll see you again next Saturday.
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphins…
…because they've been breaking camels' backs for years.
I told my son I was named after Stephen Hawking
Son: “But dad, your name is John.” Me: “I know, but I was named AFTER Stephen Hawking.”
Got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” mixed up.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…
Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar…
https://ift.tt/2tNUDsZ
This season of Earth is not realistic
So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story? I'm feeling Lost.
What is heck?
It’s where you go if you don’t believe in gosh.
I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.
It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.
I was going to post a time travel joke but…..
Nobody thought it was funny.
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "Your chest is fucking epic."
As an introverted entrepreneur in the coal industry…
I mined my own business.
My infant son crapped his pants while I was voting today.
He was just fulfilling his civic doodie.
“Excuse me sir, will the pizza be long?”
"No sir it'll be round." *joke courtesy of a local restaurant
If every letter “t” was silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have my contacts.
People shouldn’t look down on lazy people.
They haven’t done anything!
Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her,
“On what day will I Die?” The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day,” she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”
I Don’t Understand Why People Have Been Hating On The Police.
Roxanne is a really good song.
I’m fine letting other people dot my i’s, but crossing my t’s?
That's where I draw the line.
Genie: you have three wishes
me: make math go away Genie: ok, that one's on the house me: yay, so I still get three wishes? Genie: huh?
Like I get the 80s were nice, but the amount of media that uses 80s nostalgia is getting annoying and dull at this point
Like I get the 80s were nice, but the amount of media that uses 80s nostalgia is getting annoying and dull at this point
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they have ever seen…
Sorry! I meant to post this somewhere else…
Why did the bike stop moving?
Because it was two-tired
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What’s red and smells?
Rudolph's nose.
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan…
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says, "It's getting hot in here!", and the sausage replies "Wow! A talking egg!"
Do you know why dark is written with “k” and not with “c”?
Because you can't see in the dark
What do you call an old, Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.