Haha! women are complicated!
A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist
Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se–" Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?" Frenchman: "It Cinq"
I need to get rid of my Theremin,
I haven't touched it in years.
What do you call 8 hobbits?
One hobbyte!
Did you know Bach was a big time gambler?
It got so bad he went baroque!
I’m so lonely…
That my only greeting is from a microwave.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there's not mushroom!
I really like books with female protagonists.
It’s almost like I’m addicted to heroine.
And the award for best neckwear goes to…
…well would you look at that, it's a tie.
A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.
It’s their Tit for Tat special.
So I said to Arnie: “Where did you get those toilet rolls?”
He said: "Aisle B, Back."
Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend
I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonaid.
Social distancing isn’t just a recommendation, it’s a commandment.
Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor's house
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
I got gas today for $1.39
Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
Why do dentists have so many trophies?
Because they got rid of the plaques. (This one popped into my head getting into the shower. Crap, it’s early.)
Store cashier: “Sir, do you wanna box for these items?”
Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"
While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question.
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the Dark.
Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George’s hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.
An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said. "What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room. Inside the room were two chairs. "Now sit down in these chairs," she said. "What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says we should sit down in these chairs," replied George. So George and Ted sat down in the chairs. The photographer pulled out her camera and pointed it at the birthday brothers. "Now let me focus," she said. "What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to focus," replied George. "Wow!" exclaimed Ted. "Both of us at the same time?"
I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder”…
Came up with any other phrases. Edit: Thank you for the silver
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person they have ever met.
I’m not buying it.
I will die in a month
but don't know in which one.
Why is 77 better than 69?
You get 8 more!
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.
Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers. Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.
I was walking back from the pub last night and found a homeless girl hidden amongst the bins.
She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl. So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor. At one point I was banging her so hard you'd have sworn she was still alive