Haha, women bad, amirite?
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
only a fraction of people will get this joke
My wife tore a page from the dictionary and locked it in her closet.
I still don't know the hidden meaning behind it.
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.
The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!" The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!" Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire. "What the hell are you doing??" "Getting a proper sample size!"
Oedipus joke
Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me? Oracle: you’re going to kill your father and marry joe. Oedipus: whose Joe?
What’s the difference between my husband and Gollum?
A ring actually means something to Gollum.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it does, no one is shocked.
Is this sub still active?
There haven't been any posts all year! australia squad
I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar
If you boil a funny bone…
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… It’s Humerus.
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You're… an ambulance? DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son […dies]
So I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad
I said too bad they don't have windows
Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?
In charge of the schedule Yoda was.
My wife and I met at the store when we were both buying a copy of the Disney movie “up”
It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all. She shook her head and said through tears, “Just take your Up, vote and go.”
I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were.
She said "They're right behind you".
A man came home from work one afternoon.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I’m the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious desert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” The wife replied, “The fucking funeral director would be my first guess!”
A married couple was in a terrible accident…
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
My sister bet me $15 I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head! But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out! The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms popped out! The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair. By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out. The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over. The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.
I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
Grandpa: What has 4 legs but is not alive?
A boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa: It's your dog, he is dead Jimmy
What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
I ain't never been caught in a traffic jelly. Slaps knee