HAHAHA classic….
Australians don’t have sex
Australians mate
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread
it's a naan stick pan
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
Why do insomniacs have dirty floors?
They have trouble sweeping..
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: “For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…”
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A Four-chin teller.
My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?
Because they can't spell toboggan. – Stanley G. Kapuscinski
I told my 3yr old daughter “I’m tired.”
"Oh. I thought you were daddy!" I've never been so proud.
What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
People say circumcision doesn’t hurt, but i have to disagree.
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year. So check your facts.
Don’t read Part A backwards.
It’s a trap!
As I’m sure you’re all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.
They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
It becomes egg sighted
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped my backpack and continued my walk.
How many “friendzoned” nice guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it for hours and get pissed when it won't screw.
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
Y'know, one would have been enough.
Where are average things made?
In a satisfactory.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends COP: What would you call that group? CROW: …I want a lawyer
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana
.She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price." Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
This is a little long so get ready
So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever." The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it. A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma." Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever." A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!" Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-" The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!" ~this is my first post so ╮(─▽─)╭ ~
I tried looking up synonyms of confusion.
But I came away with uncertainty and disorientation.
Do mom jokes count?
Mom: Guess who I saw today! Me: who? Mom: Everyone I looked at!
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
What do you do if your xbox is crying?
You console it.
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
I’ll admit, I was wrong about how good my Chiropractor is.
I stand corrected.
What do you call a gay couch?
A homo sectional
A bear walks into a bar..
He walks up to the bartender and says "Can I get a……………….beer?" Bartender says "Why the big pause?" Bear responds "idk man I was born with them"
I once grabbed a slippery soap…
It got out of hand pretty quickly