Hahaha, oh wait that’s me…
That will leave a mark
haha wife bad
Change my mind.
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: No, the cars are much faster.
Ok I‘ll take two bottles…
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
One in 3 Americans
weighs as much as the other two combined
Why do fish fail in school?
They are below the C level.
Haha, wife talk too much and me get angry too.
God bless both of you
let’s go. In and out. 20 min adventure.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I asked, "Who is this guy?" My grandfather said, "He's my hip replacement."
Robots will control the world
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
Now that to u think of it…
How did the farmer find his wife?
He tractor down.
THAT would be heaven.
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.
He described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers" Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man." "No," he replied, "I'm just a shit golfer.
Most complicated part of any project
Comic Sans is my favorite X
Found at school!
My grandad found this on Facebook, at least it’s not “wife bad”
To prevent injury?
Too much will make hair grow on your palms
Mix up at the doctor
“I never understood wind” Donald J. Quijote
A man dies, and wakes up on a beach…
There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What's that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
I’ve just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden and I’m thinking…
"Who's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"
A man walks into a bar
As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender “what’s with the meat?” The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?” The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”
A Tale of Two Americas
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night
When the wife said to me, “You spoil those dogs.”
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?”
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
I made a boomer comic. if you can’t beat them, join them
Husband hard of hearing
Imagine if we Americans switched from pounds to kilograms over night.
There would be mass confusion.
Is it too late for Christmas?
Always deploy on Friday
Does it hurt?
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…
Why did the dog say “meow”?
he was bilingual
Biologists earn what?!
My wife accused me of hating all of her relatives.
I told her "That is not true, in fact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
Ahhhhh the American police force
I like the view
How can you get the attention of a pervert?
Mark the post with an NSFW tag
What do you call a pit full of donkeys?
Lowes for the win!
A farmer buys a young cock…
A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard! "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"
This one is political but not as bad as others.
I’ve been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now…
I'm trying to get out, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
At first, the alphabet only had 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.
If you boil a funnybone…
You get a laughingstock. Which is humerus.
A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”
The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband. The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to flicking channels and stuffing food in his mouth. The wife stands up, obviously angry at her husband. And turn the TV off. “Now you look here! You come home late, don’t even say hello, don’t explain why you were late either! I bet you were with that harlot from work again wasn’t you? You said it was over, how could you do this to me! I cook for you, clean for you, and all you do is treat me like a slave! My mother was right about you! I even…. The man lays back on the couch, his eyes glaze over and he zones out. “Damn” he mutters to himself, “it’s started”.
Is 400 a lot?
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!"
“Ya I wrote this module myself…”
not based on a true story
Surprised pikachu face
Client Side Validation #2