Hahaha…oh wait. That’s not funny!!
Sadly, I was in the women’s bathroom.
I just don’t see it.
She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less." The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."
I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him…
My credit card number My social security number Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous iykwim. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then… You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions – central heating, room service on tap, and then… You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.
then I see why they call you handsome!
Half a dog.
On average, a panda feeds for approximately 12 hours a day. It’s the same with humans under quarantine.
That’s why it’s called a “Pandemic”.
If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection
But I was expecting more lions.
Hey! That's a salt!
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?” Excitedly, the man responds “no!” The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”
It's time for me to come clean.
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.
God rest their soles.
I replied "I'm too honest" The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness" I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
No, thanks, dad. Come, have a drink with your father! Dad, I'm 5. – Dad is shitfaced but he insists: Ok, just one shot. The kid drinks it and start crying: Ewwwww, it's disgustiiiiiiing! Ha! You see?! And your mother thinks I'm sitting here having fun! (Russian joke)
I’m a CASHEW!
He was sentenced to death
Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up.
They were actually cooked in Greece
I told her we use names now.
But it is what is on the inside that counts.