HAHAHA RIP
Why did the rapper shave off his fancy mustache?
It couldn't handle the bars.
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”.
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
The man saw a woman standing sheepishly in the corner, avoiding his gaze. He could tell she had butterflies in her stomach as he walked over to her. He took her by the hand, and led her to the door.
Saying "YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THE BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT YOU SICK FUCK!"
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had loco motives
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. “I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, your parent’s souls, your grandparent’s souls, and the souls of all your friends.
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"
Idk why marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk
He is basically a giant banner.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
From a physicist: ICP is actually right about magnets
/r/juggalo/comments/g1e3nx/from_a_physicist_icp_is_actually_right_about/
My son said he wanted to become a pyromancer.
I told him it's much easier to woo a cake.
I’m not addicted to cocaine.
I just like the way it smells.
You can’t run in a campsite, you can only ran
Because it’s past tents
My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings
Can’t say that I‘m surprised
My dad is a social distancing champion!!!
I havent seen him since 2005
In Cuba, a steak pie will cost you 1.50. But a pork pie will cost 1.80, whereas a macaroni pie will cost 2.30 and a chicken pie will cost 2.75.
These are pie-rates of the Caribbean.
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
She said “choke me daddy!”
So I gave her two Popeye's biscuits and no drink.
I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
He wasn’t happy
I was never good at telling dad jokes
Probably because he was never around
How does Harry Potter like to go down hills?
Walking! Jk, Rowling
Underage drinking is a massive problem in my house.
My son's been drinking whisky that's only aged for two years. He's the dumbest thirteen-year-old I've ever met.
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night
Turns out it was just saturday night fever (Taking advantage of a very narrow humour window!)
WHAT I IF TOLD YOU…
That you read the first bit wrong.
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
it’s not stroganoff.
My friend changed his name from William to Lawrence
That’s how a Bill becomes a Law.
What happened when two silkworms challenged each other to a race?
It ended in a tie! 👔
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
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My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
I said, “That’s Superman.” He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”