Hahaha so funny amright guys
but it's certainly up there.
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
I said to the waitress, "Can I see the menu please?" She said,"the men I please has nothing to do with you".
…I told him he didn't understand… we were his parents, and he had ten minutes to pack.
She called me a cheap skate.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I'm starting to think pearl harbour was an accident
After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again. I guess the bulb was hot.
Skeletons are incapable of movement since they are inanimate objects
Because umbrellas can't walk.
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
The difference is staggering.
I'm on season 6 so far, but not sure what its got to do with security.
Because it wasn’t a loan anymore.
They're both thinking "Oh crap, mom is gonna kill me."
Could this be a red flag?
Well the flag is a big plus!
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
I watch it online, because I can’t afford it.
Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.
After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks. Kim stares at him. The ducks start flying away. Kim turns to his Minister of Defense. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of Defense raises his shotgun, shoots at the flock of ducks, and misses. Kim stares angrily at him, grabs his own shotgun, raises it, fires, and misses. Immediately the Minister of Propaganda shouts "Look! Flying dead ducks!"
"I won't be coming today," I said. "My legs aren't working properly." "What kind of excuse is that?" He asked. I replied, "A lame excuse."
I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
I hope you’re happy!
Your probably dyslexic.
An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.
The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lord. » The imam replies: « Now that’s very clever! I actually have a similar process. What I do at first is take the money and place myself at my mosque’s entrance with one foot outside and the other one inside. Then I throw the money up in the air and what falls outside is for me while the money that falls inside is for Allah » The priest nods his head with approval at the imam’s explanation. The rabbi who looks clearly offended by both their explanations says: « I can’t even begin to believe what I’m hearing! How dare you do such a thing!? And you call yourselves men of faith! I’d never resort to the use of fancy shmancy theatrics to determine how the money is divided between God and me! All I do is take the money, throw it up in the air and whatever god needs he takes while what’s left is mine.
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…