Hahaha so funny amright guys
I’m not sure if my ceiling is the best i’ve ever had
but it's certainly up there.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
I went into a restaurant the other day
I said to the waitress, "Can I see the menu please?" She said,"the men I please has nothing to do with you".
I went in my son’s room today and told him he was adopted. He said “I knew it, who are my parents?”
…I told him he didn't understand… we were his parents, and he had ten minutes to pack.
RIP to his back. Looks like he got a tattoo of a bum who lives near a basketball court.
https://ift.tt/2GEHKrF
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Everyone says Asians are bad at driving
I'm starting to think pearl harbour was an accident
My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.
After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again. I guess the bulb was hot.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Skeletons are incapable of movement since they are inanimate objects
Why do people carry umbrellas?
Because umbrellas can't walk.
The other day I was asking the bartender for the WiFi password
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office
I'm on season 6 so far, but not sure what its got to do with security.
Why was the borrowed money happy to be returned?
Because it wasn’t a loan anymore.
What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh crap, mom is gonna kill me."
My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution
Could this be a red flag?
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
Well the flag is a big plus!
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
For me, sex is like a game
I watch it online, because I can’t afford it.
Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.
After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks. Kim stares at him. The ducks start flying away. Kim turns to his Minister of Defense. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of Defense raises his shotgun, shoots at the flock of ducks, and misses. Kim stares angrily at him, grabs his own shotgun, raises it, fires, and misses. Immediately the Minister of Propaganda shouts "Look! Flying dead ducks!"
I called my boss this morning.
"I won't be coming today," I said. "My legs aren't working properly." "What kind of excuse is that?" He asked. I replied, "A lame excuse."
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?
I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.
What do you call a stupid fish?
A dumBass
What do you call a fat psychic?
A 4-chin-teller
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
To the person who took my antidepressants:
I hope you’re happy!
If life gives you melons
Your probably dyslexic.
An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.
The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lord. » The imam replies: « Now that’s very clever! I actually have a similar process. What I do at first is take the money and place myself at my mosque’s entrance with one foot outside and the other one inside. Then I throw the money up in the air and what falls outside is for me while the money that falls inside is for Allah » The priest nods his head with approval at the imam’s explanation. The rabbi who looks clearly offended by both their explanations says: « I can’t even begin to believe what I’m hearing! How dare you do such a thing!? And you call yourselves men of faith! I’d never resort to the use of fancy shmancy theatrics to determine how the money is divided between God and me! All I do is take the money, throw it up in the air and whatever god needs he takes while what’s left is mine.
Well… Well… Well…
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
