Hahaha! THATS not normal behavior!
Give me that coffee!
I think the cashier likes me.
She was definitely checking me out.
is this boomer humor
Two priests go into the shower
In the shower they notice that there are no soap. One of them says "Il go to my room and bring 2 soap bars" runs naked to the room, grabs 2 bars of soap and when he was running back… 3 nuns show up, first thing he remembers to do "freezes like a statue".. Nuns look at the statue and say "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped" One of them, looking to the priest's "toy soldier" decides do pull it…. The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars The nun concludes then, that it is no statue…. It actually is a soap machine!! The second nun happily does exactly the same and the priest drops the second bar of soap! The third nun pulls it once…. Nothing… Pulls it twice….. Nothing…. Pulls it thrice…. Nothing… Pulls it again and again and again…. And finnaly marveled she says: "Lord be praised… It also gives shower gel!!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
I tried to makeup a joke about shopping.
Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
Why are Democrats against shooting people on 5th Avenue?
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support, people are going to think we're nuts!
Juuls aren’t that bad
They are just USB sticks And when you exhale, you get cloud storage.
Gee, I wonder who they picked…
Sad truth of batman
Triggered snowflakes 😤
Babies Drinking beer. So funny!!! If your baby didn’t drink beer then YOU’RE A SISSY
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
Modern kids with there consumer world view…
Big brain time
A man goes to see a sex therapist
"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three" "Please open your mouth," the therapist says. The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully. "I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."
Scientific progression …
“Dad, can you do my math homework for me?” “No son, it wouldn’t be right.”
"Well, at least you could try."
2020 be like…
Better than nothing
Everybody gangsta till the eucaryote enslaved you
A summary of Trump’s coronavirus briefings
What time of the year do most squirrels die?
No nut November
A cop pulls a guy over..
Goes up to the drivers window, says “license and registration please.” Guy says “here is my registration, I’m sorry but I don’t have my license on me.” The officer, in a good mood replies, “that’s okay, what’s your name I can look you up in our system” “Nick” “Nick… what?” “Nick nothing, just nick.” Cop says “okay I’m trying to be nice, don’t fuck with me. Explain.” Guy replies “ Well I was born Nicholas Johnson. Everyone always called me Nick Johnson. I went to medical school, became a doctor. So then my name was Nick Johnson M.D. “ “One night in Vegas I was with a hooker, she unfortunately gave me VD. When I got back home they called me Nick Johnson M.D. with VD. Somehow one of my patients got infected so they took away my medical license so then my friends called me Nick Johnson with VD. “Then the VD took my Johnson so now I’m just Nick”
Grandpop sent this
A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.
Chinese Censorship is seeping into the U.S.
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Rapid fire bonus round
Sign Of The Week
hotter every day
Posted by an IT/Networking Company in My City
You know it’ll be a fun day when the accepted answer starts like this
Bought a dog from a blacksmith and as soon as I got it home…
…it made a bolt for the door.
Hidden in the Ukraine, derpity derp
The test results are in..
imma make it tasty
So how was my my funeral?
Happy Pi Day 2020
Why can’t I log into anything?
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
Not a man of culture, I see.
Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying
Insert joke here
Insert punchline here
I’m laughing and I shouldn’t be. Sorry.
I’m on my way
My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and is scheduled to be induced this morning. She woke up last night just after midnight (I checked) to use the washroom and when she got back into bed I asked her if it was after 12 yet. She said she thought so and asked why. I told her I wanted to be the first to wish her a Happy Birth Day! She appropriately groaned then giggled, so I think I'm ready. Wish me luck!
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"
I can see two years into the future
I have 2020 vision.
Mitch, if you’re listening…
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.” So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards, they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
All hail the new king
Joker coming in hot with some boomer humour
I tried calling the tinnitus hotline but there was no answer.
It just kept ringing.
Double Negative !
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.” “However,” he pointed out, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah. Right.”