Hahaha….wait
A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
What genre are national anthems?
Country
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat
Are people born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything
I heard the bakers parents were also bakers.
You could say he was bread for the job.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
9 months later!!!
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' Said Keith. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' She just died and left me everything.' (And you thought the ending would be different!)
I like to cook dangerously
I take whisks in the kitchen
A weasel goes to the bar
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, βYou are under-aged. I canβt serve you beer.β The weasel asks, βWhat can I have?β The bartender replies, βI have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.β βPop!β goes the weasel.
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.
βShit I canβt go home like this my wife will kill meβ The bartender sees this and says βput a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaningβ. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies βa drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaningβ. To which his wife says βOk well then why do you have $40 in your hand?β βBecause he also shit in my pants.β
If you wanna fuck up the algorithm, do it the right way
If you wanna fuck up the algorithm, do it the right way
My friend told me a very bad joke about gravity.
I still fell for it.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar
Ahhh, those were the days.
If a Scot gets slightly upset every time he’s mistaken for his Gaelic-speaking neighbors…
…that still makes him Ire-ish.
There has been an outbreak of mad cow disease in Austria.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick
My wife was disappointed when she found out why my friends call me βThe Love Machineβ.
Because I suck at tennis.
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a βget well soonβ card.
My wife says that she won’t let our newly born son have an insect surname.
But I'm quite Adam Ant about it.
Iβm a 50 year old with a 20 year old body
How do I bury it
AFL, one of the most well-known security fuzzer, recently has got purchased by Google. I was upgrading my own code modification based on the pre-Google version AFL to the recent Google-owned newer version, then I found out they “civilized” some of the developer’s comment. Mildly interesting.
https://ift.tt/2NdkW57
I bought a wooden car today.
Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. Wooden start.
My boss just told me that Iβm the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
I saw an all-male choir performing on the weekend. I said…
…"There are 99 people in that choir." My son, who was with me, asked, "Wow dad! How did you count them so quickly?" I replied, "They are singing "Africa" by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do."
Wife just opened the car door for me..
..would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60mph
There will be a baby boom in 9 months.
And in 2033 we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens!!!