HAHAHAHA
“Gosh darn I hate those ungrateful and improper Billie Eilish-loving VSCO girls”
https://ift.tt/2NlQlCF
I accidentally drank a little food coloring earlier today..
https://ift.tt/34eN8fL
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because dawn is tough on Greece.
I like my women like I like my toasters.
Turned on and in the tub with me.
What odd number is no longer odd when you remove a letter?
Seven. If you you remove the S it becomes even. Heard from my nine year old three minutes ago. I’ve never been more proud.
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”
Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
Instructor: don't lick my lips again.
Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
Then I realized my whole life was a joke.
I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”
Too many Maine characters.
What is the strongest cereal brand?
Shredded wheat.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 8,008 trees…
…and I've got the logs to prove it!
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of a dictionary
I learned next to nothing
What advice was given to a depressed car?
You have no more energy left to live, you just need try to fuel yourself.
What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies.
Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment.
Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
The just went through a grueling 31 day March.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
My penis may not be 12 inches
….but it smells like a foot.
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds Edit: Due to popular opinion "Well, this post blew up". And thanks to the anonymous person who gave me my first award ever!
There are 3 unwritten rules in life
1. 2. 3.
When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil…
Then you’ll get a, “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis!"
The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, ”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom. The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs and into the maid’s bed. She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came in silently………. He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his dick, got on top of her and fucked her like there was no tomorrow. When he finished and while he was still panting, the wife said, "You didn’t fcuking expect to find me in this bed did you!!” and switched on the light. “No madam”, said the gardener.
My girlfriend and I are trying the whole “long distance relationship thing”
Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"
I think my daughter has a crush on our pastor.
She talks about him religiously.
The three unwritten rules of life
1. 2. 3.
A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah’s Witness are lost..
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night. "I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner. The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door. "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me." "No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings." "I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.
I had a crush on my science lab partner, then she left the school
I lost My Chemical Romance
I threw my iPhone into a lake the other day and…
…it’s still syncing.
What do you call a 25 cent hooker?
A quarter pounder.
I can’t stand when people kick me in the back of the leg
No text found
A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.
When emergency services arrived, they asked the farmer what happened? FARMER: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them. One of the firemen asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"? FARMER: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive". But I couldn't believe them. You know, these politicians. They can lie.
My penis is so large…
…when I lay it across the keyboard it stretches all the way from A to Z!
This joke is about ghosts. You wanna hear it?
That's the spirit.
Where do drunk sea flowers go?
Alcoholics Anemones
How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. Never split the party.
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating