HAHAHAHA
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray." "Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we're one short."
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
If I had a nickel every time I was confused
I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.
I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn't think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says "Ribbit. 9- Iron". I looked around and didn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." I looked at the frog and it just stared back at me. So I put my other club away, and grabbed a 9-iron. Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked! So I said to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." I decided to take the frog with me to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" I asked. "Ribbit. 3-wood," the frog replied. I took out my 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. It was incredible. By the end of the day, I had golfed the best game of golf in my life. So I asked the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." We went to Las Vegas, went to Caesar's Palace and the frog said, "Ribbit. Roulette." When I got to the roulette table, the frog said, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this was a million-to-one shot to win, but by this point I trusted the frog completely. I put it all on black 6 and, amazingly, won! Tons of cash come sliding back across the table. Suddenly I was a high roller. They put me up in the best room in the hotel. I looked at the frog down and said, "Frog, you've won me all this money and I am forever grateful. I don't know how to repay you!" The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." So I thought, "Why not? After all the frog did for me, it is a small price to pay." With the kiss, however, the frog turned into a gorgeous 17 year-old girl. "And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."
If every letter “t” was silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.
Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger: I do now.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Frankly, I don't know, and I don't care.
I have sex with my wife almost everyday!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?” “Yeah, I’m okay. But do me a favor mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
They say there is a 50/50 chance to have a female on the opposite side of the gloryhole
Right now I really hope that is a woman's penis
A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.
“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”
The CDC has a recommendation for telling jokes during the pandemic…
Inside jokes, only.
Someone broke into my house and stole my anti depression pills
I hope they're happy
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint. Credit: my dad
A friend of mine said to me the other day “What rhymes with Orange?”
I said "No it doesn't."
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard.
I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.
What room do ghosts avoid?
The living room
I should apologize to my toilet…
I gave it a lot of shit this morning (Long time stalker, heres my first dad joke!)
[NSFW] What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Glrhrglelgrglugr
Cop: You were going 68 in a 55
Me: Dang, 68? Can you make that number a little cooler so I can hear the judge saying it out loud? Cop: Sure whatever [Later in traffic court] Judge: How were you going 420 in a 55?
Cole’s Law
Dad: “Have you hear of Murphy’s Law?” Unsuspecting Victim: “Yes” Dad: “Have you heard of Cole’s Law?” Unsuspecting Victim: “No” Dad: “It is thinly sliced cabbage”
Joke
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time, Bob?" Bob: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
If you work hard everyday, your hard work will pay off and you will eventually be successful.
My parents used to tell me that joke all the time. Still remember it to this day.
I say no to alcohol.
It just doesn’t listen.
I looked longingly into my beloved’s eyes and whispered “A…E…I…O…U…and sometimes, Y.”
The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
I wanted to write a joke about restraining orders.
This is as close as I could get though.
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
How did 10 die ?
It was in the middle of 9/11.
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
I once asked my grandfather how he’d lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning." I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.