Hahahaha meme is le funny
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
There was this man named John Odd, and he hated his last name. People constantly made fun of it, called him and his wife "The Odd couple", named him "The Odd man out" wherever he went, all that. So he's getting older and writes out his will. And in the will he says when he dies he doesn't want his name on the gravestone. He just wants to be buried in an unmarked grave with a plain headstone, no name, nothing. So he dies, and his wife respects his wishes. So there he is, in his unmarked grave, but everytime someone walks by the cemetery and sees the unmarked grave they say, "Look, isn't that Odd?"
A dangerous, digital age unspoken disease! Watch NOW!
I hate prison.
They have their own scales!
Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.
He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
Now I just have beer
Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when he was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!
I was visiting my pregnant friend at the hospital, and the only parking spot I could find was in the C section.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
…it’s still syncing.
I never strike in the same place twice.
When it turns into a driveway.
Running out of gas!
Because 2022 is 2020 too
"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?" After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front. "One dollar!" she said. The teacher, conflicted on why the girl can't add, explained to her and the whole class how adding 1+5 works. At the end of class, the students were dismissed. A staff member oversaw the whole thing, and approached the teacher. "What the hell were you thinking asking that type of question?" the staff member asked. "What? I just asked them how much money 1+5 is- They couldn't even answer it!" "You said their parents gave them five dollars." "Yeah, so?" "You work at an orphanage, you moron!"
A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by. After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby. The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck. "Hey that's my duck!" says the hunter. The farmer replies, "Well, it fell onto my land, so it's my duck." "Well, I shot it, so it's my duck" says the hunter. The farmer says "How about we settle this country style?" "What's country style?" asks the hunter. "Well, first I kick you in the nuts, then you kick me in the nuts. And we keep on kicking each other in the nuts until one of us can't take it no more. Winner gets the duck." The hunter thinks about it for a bit and decides to go for it. So the farmer hauls his leg back and kicks the hunter square in the nuts. The hunter's eye bug out and he falls to the ground writhing in pain and clutching his swelling ballsack. After 10 minutes or so the hunter finally recovers and stands up. "Okay, it's my turn now" says the hunter. And the farmer says, "Nah, keep the duck."
Pope: "Do you know Jesus?" Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year." Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millenniums and we're still waiting for his second coming." Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate." Pope: "Chocolate?" Alien: "Every time he visits, we gather the best chocolate from each manufacturing plant and give them to him before he leaves. Why, what did you do the first time he came here?"
He bought some whiskey, and tequila When he got home, he set them on the table His son immediately picked up both bottles The dad asks "What are you doing?!" The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"
I can’t believe what this world is coming to.
Put in my too-weak notice.
It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.
Because she couldn't see that well.
it's a naan stick pan
Loving my new sniper rifle.
The letter G
Dad: what should I say instead bull- Wife: Shhh!!! Say snake instead. Dad: [whispers] this is snakeshit
But he came in fifth and won a toaster.
God rest their soles.
Sails are through the roof.
In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
Because they make the toys.