hahahaha scientist triggered
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know, don’t care.
My girlfriend left me because I stole her wheelchair…
but I knew she'd come crawling back.
What is coding called on Tatooine?
Jabbascript
A crow was arrested an put behind bars.
His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him. "How bad is it?" The crow asked. "Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone." "So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide." "They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer bird said. "So now it's a crime to ask my fellow crows to hang?" The crow exclaimed. "They were all to busy anyway" "You're lucky they were." The lawyer bird replied "They've got you on attempted murder!"
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
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What sound do ceiling fans make?
CEILING! CEILING! CEILING! CEILING!
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had…
Does money even matter?
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
I went to a restaurant and they served me hydrogen atoms cooked at millions of degrees.
They said that it was a fusion cuisine.
I got fired from the sperm bank today
Cause every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"
I love telling dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Seven has “even” in it.
That's odd.
What’s the definition of a reverse exorcism?
It's when you ask the Devil to get the priest out of your little boy
Boy: Fires handgun at the shooting range…
Dad: "You're holding a shot gun now."
A person asked me, “Hey, aren’t you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?”
I chuckled and shook my head, "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city!"
My son’s nursery school just bought some brand new air fresheners…
It's a day care scenter.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
Made this a bit ago during a chem lab. Thought you guys would appreciate it :D
https://ift.tt/2AwRSmp
Remember, having sex regularly is great for your memory!
Have an awesome 2016! ❤️
What do you call a cow in your garden?
A lawnmoower
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games. I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” He considered that for a moment before replying…
"Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
You should never buy Velcro
It’s a total ripoff
My sister bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
Micro trans-action
Why do fish always sing off key ?
You can’t tuna fish
Accidentally glued myself to my autobiography this morning
That's my story and I'm sticking to it
I’m thinking of throwing my theremin away…
I don’t even touch it
My driving examiner told me to do an emergency stop.
So I drove him to the hospital. He couldn't have been ill though, because he didn't get out.
I think my wife is secretly putting glue on my antique weapon collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
A picture went to jail today,
I think it was framed.
What did 1 eye say to the other
Between you and me something smells.
What does a robot do after sex
Nuts and bolts
One good thing came from Corona. I got gas for a 1.39 today.
Unfortunately it was from taco bell
Why did the student Google all the topics related to his essay twice?
Because he was asked to research.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side!
I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan
She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical. Then I saw her place…