HAHAHAHA SO FUNNY LEVIII
How does the lead singer from Rammstein ask his wife what she wants for breakfast?
Do. Do hash. Do hash browns. Do hash browns sound good. Do hash browns sound good.
Science gave us skyscrapers and airplanes…
Religion brought them together
If you were anti-pencil, would you be eracist?
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This morning a clown held the door for me.
It was a nice jester.
Her: Did you know Australia has 9 of the worldโs 10 deadliest snakes?
Me: Shit! One escaped?
John OโReilly hoisted his beer and said, โHereโs to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!โ
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, โI won the prize for the Best toast of the nightโ She said, โAye, did ye now. And what was your toast?โ John said, โHereโs to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.โ โOh, that is very nice indeed, John!โ Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of Johnโs drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, โJohn won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.โ She said, โAye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, heโs only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.โ
Did you know chickens die after sex?
Well, at least that's been my experience so far.
I saw a kidnapping
I decided to let him sleep
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Everywhere
The word โdiputseromneveโ may look ridiculousโฆ
…but backwards, itโs even more stupidโฆ
My grandma and computers
So my grandma just found out how to read updates and it said updated in the backround and said i always see that but i dont see them in thr backround
My girlfriend thinks I act too feminine, and she’s always questioning my sexuality. She says I should try to act tougher, so that if she feels threatened by some guy she can feel safe with me…
but I assured her that if any guy tries to get too close to her I'd be the first one to beat him off.
The titanic went down in 60 seconds
Let that sink in for a minute
This sub is really disappointing me lately.
I'm going to try the meatballs next time.
What makes cars look faster?
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I bought shoes from a drug dealer once…
… I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
I was telling my wife how sometimes I feel really high and sometimes I feel really low.
"Dear, get off the swing" she said.
You’ll be buried with small pupils if you pass away before dusk.
But not if you die late.
Someone once told me a story about screws, nuts and bolts.
It was Riveting.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns donโt work. (I canโt imagine this isnโt a repost, so delete if need be)
In response to your request for an apology and retraction, our answer is “no.”
https://ift.tt/2xZ1fuB
NSFW Why are camels called the ship of the desert?
Because theyโre full of Arab semen.
A writer approached me today acting strange and asked me to help him find his back gardenโฆ
I think he's lost the plotโฆ
My Wife and I were watching Disney+ and it started to lag.
My Wife: Is it frozen? Me: No, itโs Wreck It Ralph. Sheโs 19 weeks pregnant, I can feel the dad joke wit rising!
A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store
He bought some whiskey, and tequila When he got home, he set them on the table His son immediately picked up both bottles The dad asks "What are you doing?!" The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, โI hope you donโt mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?โ. โAbout 32,โ is the reply.โ โNope! Iโm exactly 50,โ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonaldโs and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, โIโd guess about 29.โ The woman replies with a big smile, โNope, Iโm 50.โ Now sheโs feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, โOh, Iโd say 30.โ Again she proudly responds, โIโm 50, but thank you!โ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, โLady, Iโm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.โ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, โWhat the hell, go ahead.โ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, โOkay, okay…..How old am I?โ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, โMadam, you are 50.โ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, โThat was incredible, how could you tell?โ โI was behind you at McDonaldsโ.