HAHAHAHAHA
I wonder if old houseflies tell the younger ones stories like:
"Back in my day, it was Monday".
“What did the leper say to the prostitute after sex?”
"Keep the tip."
“Son, what’re you drinking” “Soy milk”
"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"
My mom sent me this one and unironically said it might as well be true nowadays…
https://ift.tt/2PLChDH
I just saw my first porno…
And damn I looked good back then.
My friend told me not to drink from the wall.
I knew he meant well.
Some crocodiles decided to get together and sing parody songs.
It's a pun-croc band.
A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Lego Land
The damage is expected to be about 50 square blocks
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?
EditïŒWow thanks for the gold kind stranger!
I keep asking what LGBT stands for
But I never get a straight answer.
I just realized my countertop is made of marble.
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
how does Hitler tie his shoes?
little knotsies
A Chinese man decided to retire and move to America after years of living in Shanghai.
A few days after moving in, the friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, and then put his left ear next to the bullâs butt. The American canât handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, âdude, what the hell is it with you? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bullâs butt, it could just about shit on you.â The Chinese man is very taken back and says, âSorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these American customs.â âWhat do you mean? Those arenât American customs.â âYes they are,â Chinese replied. âMan at travel agent tell me to become true American, I must learn to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit.â
Why did the Mexican guy take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot?
One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.
classic
classic
Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.
Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. âName's Jess, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00 . . .â âGreat,â says Tom. After six months alone out here he was ready to meet some local folks. "Thank you.â As Jess is leaving, he stops, âGotta warn you. Be some drinkin'.â âNot a problemâ, says Tom. âAfter 30 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.â Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. âMore'n likely gonna be some fightin' too.â âWell, I get along with people. I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.â âMore'n likely be some wild sex, too.â âNow thatâs really not a problem,â says Tom, warming to the idea. âI've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, should I wear something nice?â âDon't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.â
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
How does Harry Potter like to go down hills?
Walking! Jk, Rowling
Naked painting
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovahâs Witness so he wouldnât arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
Couples therapist: So, what brings you two here today?
My wife: I canât stand living with him. Heâs too literal. Me: My truck.
I circumcise elephants for a living.
It doesnât pay much but the tips are huge.
Grandma took my weed so I took her wheelchair.
Neither of us is rolling.
I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.
It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.
While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.