Hahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahah i hate my wife
“Also the whole company depends on this project working smoothly, so no pressure!”
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There were two christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'. The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak!
Hey Eugene, do you shower after sex?
Well yes Bob, I do. Great, can you please get laid more often?
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
I’d tell you a joke about unemployed people…
But none of them work.
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
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eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.
Joe Biden may not be exciting to liberals (myself included), but let’s keep perspective here
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Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
A friend said she did not understand cloning…
I told her that makes two of us…
Leather armor is perfect for sneaking
Its literally made of hide.
What’s the difference between the worst political party and my penis?
One of them is left leaning, and the other one is right leaning.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its butt-quack.
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
A child asks his father what “gay” means
The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
I have an unoriginal joke.
But you probably Reddit
Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
They prefer to eat their fingers separately.
You should never run with scissors…
And conversely, you should never scissor with the runs.
Did you know that Diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in the jeans
(Star war joke) From where did Aniken skywalker get his robotic hand?
From the second HAND shop
All Americans are immigrants … especially from an East Asian (Siberian) Bloodline
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If you push the envelope…
…is it still stationary?
Went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work.
There are two types of people. People who need closure
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