Half Past nein
What time of the year do most squirrels die?
No nut November
Congratulations to everyone graduating. Sorry this is such a crappy time to be doing so!
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[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]
Me: This is my girlfriend Janine Janine: Hi Wife: What the fuck
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…
I really need to wash some mugs.
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
It was the end of my Korea. I'm still China find another job.
The police stops a man and woman who have their seatbelts on.
Police: "hi you're the first people today with their seatbelts on, so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar." The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks "what are you going to do with the money?" The man answers: "I'm going to take lessons for my driver's license" The woman: " don't listen to him. When he is drunk he says stupid things!" The man on the backseat: "I told you not to ride in a stolen car!" A voice from the trunk: "did we cross the border?"
What is a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir/Ma'am, We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: Illegal Downloading
My wife just left me for an Indian man.
I'm sure he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Working out is like a drug to me.
I don’t do drugs.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it is Dr. Whom.
Did you hear the joke about the dyslexic man?
He walked into a bra…
I asked my friend how much getting a vasectomy changed his sex life.
He said there was a vas deferens.
Three guys stranded on a desert island…
They find a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says I'll grant each of you one wish. First guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Second guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Third guy: It's kinda lonely… I wish those guys were back. POOF! The other two re-appear! Edit: Spelling
I have a friend who is a transgender atheist.
They are a she now, but they were a heathen.
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle
When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are to be killed and skinned, and that their skins will be made into canoes to float on the pool as a permanent reminder, but in one last act of mercy, he will grant them one last request, so the Frenchman pipes up, "I would like a knife, Si vous plait", so he is brought a knife and he plunges it into his chest, "you savages will never kill me! Vive la France!" and he dies. The Englishman is asked what he wants and also requests a knife, and also plunges it into his chest, "you will never kill me! God save the Queen!". The natives then turn to the Australian, and surprisingly he requests a fork, they oblige and hand him on, and he starts stabbing himself all over, the natives are looking in surprise and he looks at them and says, "well there goes your fuckin' canoe"
I named my overweight cat Kelvin
Because he is an absolute unit.
How do you make chocolate milk?
By shredding brown crayon and putting it in a blender with milk!
What is a thousand times better than instagram?
Instakilogram
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
I used to smoke weed and go to the class…
sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Sign language really comes in handy
No text found
When is 40 bigger than 50?
XL is bigger than L
The roof is not my child
But I will raise it.
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
One goes whack "shit" The other goes "shit" whack
Dad I’m cold
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
I went for my interview to be a bus driver.
I said, "Sorry I'm late." They said, "You're hired"
So for Halloween I’m going to wear a baby carrier with a bag of sugar in it.
I’ll be a sugar daddy.
You want milk with your bean water?
You want milk with your bean water?
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
Why don’t female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.
I was passing by my son’s bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands…
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” they ever met.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
If you’re ever feeling lonely, just remember…
Every day is a date.
Samuel Beckett turned down a lowball offer for one of his plays.
He was waiting for good dough.
I told my son I was named after Stephen Hawking
Son: “But dad, your name is John.” Me: “I know, but I was named AFTER Stephen Hawking.”
I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
Why is it called a paternity test
and not a pop quiz?
META
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