Hallelujah!
A woman gets new jeans and asks her husband if they make her look fat
Husband: Alright, I'll tell you the truth… But, you have to promise not to get angry no matter what I say Wife: I promise Husband: I'm fucking your sister
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.
I am now independent.
What do you call a deaf man…
Whatever you want, he can’t hear you.
A penguin is driving his car
A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream."
Murphy calls to see his mate, Paddy, who is bedridden with a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both." "Fuck off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fucking one?"
How do you think the unthinkable
With an ithberg
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together…
I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night…
I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a Detective. I think we should split up.
Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
Most Puns Make Me Numb
But Maths Jokes Make Me Number
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after you get a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
I remember my childhood quite fondly when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
If anyone on Facebook posts “He has risen”
Remind them to use the [spoiler] tag. Some of us haven’t read the book.
Yo mama so ugly…
she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!
Why do Americans have good computers?
Because they have no troubleshooting.
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.
How are you going to plant any flowers
If you haven’t botany?
What kind of doctor was Dr. Pepper?
A fizzicision
My pen stopped working, so I tried to make an eleven.
Apparently two ones don’t make it write.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
?
I hardly know her!
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.
What do you call a fight between a Martian and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
What sound does a 747 airplane make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there’s no money in there.
I flagged a gangbang video on Pornhub for racist content.
Just because a bunch of black dudes are in the same room with each other doesn't make it a gang.
Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at
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How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
They start coffin.