Halloween decoration near my house.
If I had a Delorean…
I would probably only drive it from time to time.
This is the time of the year when I get really annoyed when everyone writes “X” instead of “Christ.”
I calm myself down by playing my Christ Box 360.
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?
Now he's a branch manager.
What do you call an unvaccinated toddler’s tantrum?
A mid-life crisis
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon Fresh.
I’ll let you know.
3 Little girls were walking along with their mother on the way home from the park
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said… Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily? Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head. The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question… Girl 2: Why is my name Rose? Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says… Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings
But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
The other day I was washing the car with my son
He asked me why I couldn’t just use a sponge.
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
I used to hate facial hair.
Then it grew on me.
What’s red and bad for you’re teeth?
A Brick.
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me
it means a lot.
I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.
Professor told dirty jokes in class
Professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kinds of jokes,they all will leave the class as a protest. Somehow the professor heard about the protest. In the next lecture,in the beginning of the lecture he said : "in Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night." All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them : "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the afternoon. "
“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”
Success is like pregnancy.
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.
He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was. She responded,"My washcloth." Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair. The boy asked his mother, "What happened to your washcloth?" His mother replied, "I lost it." The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming, "Mommy, I found your washcloth, I found your washcloth!" His mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?" The boy replied, "The maid has it and is washing daddy's face with it." *This was actually a copypasta taken from an eighth grade English workbook assigned by a private school in Shanghai. The kids were told to read the joke and write a review of it. The parents were, obv, not pleased when they saw the material.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
When feeding me my mother would say “here comes the choo choo train…..”
and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track
What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.
Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar. Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says, "Hi, sorry for bad English"
I never thought my son would steal road signals
But when I got home all the signs were there
The next Minecraft movie will be a blockbuster
No text found
My 10 month old son is learning to wave.
At dinner I asked him where the light was so he pointed at it. I told him to wave hello to the light and luckily he did. I then looked my wife dead in the eye and told her that was the hi-light of his day.
How do you sneak up on celery?
You stalk it.
The first rule of flight club…
is to take flying lessons. Also know how to read carefully.
A teacher told the students, “The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early.”
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early." Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face. "Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily. "Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"
What does a wife and a handgrenade have in common?
If you pull the ring, your house is gone.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
Are slugs just snails that have gone through a divorce?
“Yep, she got the house”
