Halloween marketing
What we call a monster we can’t find?
Wherewolf.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
We wouldn’t know, the women always get to keep the house.
You were named after Adolf Hitler.
He was named first!
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
Paranormal entitties.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
Woke up to my phone having a seizure because my dad kept sending me a dozen of these
https://ift.tt/37sNkcH
Video games don’t have a negative influence on kids.
If Pac-Man had affected us, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one armed mothers do it?”
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny
Because he's my newt
Why doesn’t the Lorax go to Vietnam?
Because the trees can speak for themselves
My wife just complained I wasn’t listening and walked out of the room
Weird way to start a conversation.
RTX 2080 Ti Owner’s reaction to the reveal of Nvidia RTX 3070 (Featuring Ron Burgundy)!
https://youtu.be/RTrGBKY-1_o
If you’ve never listened to an album front to back before, do it. Right now.
If you’ve never listened to an album front to back before, do it. Right now.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
He tells the bartender one beer please and one for the road
Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do.
Math is like a box of chocolates
It's better to use your fingers
I use to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then i turned myself around.
Me: It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up”
Cop: “Sir, that’s not how a sobriety test works.”
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
What’s green?
What's green and has wheels? Grass.. I was lying about the wheels
A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer
The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer. The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down." The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?" The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. "Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?" Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, "Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?"
A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage… After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.. "It's simple" billionaire boasts… "I faked my age" "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy…she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks. With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"
Dr: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: "AND?"
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired. (Courtesy of my daughter)
How many bones are in your hand?
About a handful
I was visiting my pregnant friend at the hospital, and the only parking spot I could find was in the C section.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
I’m a 50 year old with a 20 year old body
How do I bury it
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed…
someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough. “That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!” On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”