Halloween Roller Coaster
I have a hunch it might be me.
He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party." the man answers. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln!" protests the bartender. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
That would be one stone, gold motherfucker
Every couple -my 8yr old daughters riddle
You'll get cured.
So I got up and looked with him.
Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
I wonder what she's up to now?
He orders everyone a round.
They were an undercover cop.
it had a bad pilot (i posted this to r/cleanjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
More on this story later…
“Dad, I heard that the only way you guys could communicate with each other when you were young was landlines and snail mail.”
Dad: No, you better get your fax straight.
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know “tuba” is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
One blink and they’ve gone pasteurise.
It causes me to start coffin.
Because he’s been living under a rock.
No text found
If you can guess the number inside this post, I’ll give you $1,000,000! (hint: it’s between 3 and 5)
4.29784569834593847593845938745 Awww… so close!
After decades of dedicated and concentrated practice, I finally achieved my goal. I can play guitar very badly.
He's calling it "That's what Xi said"
This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem", The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?" The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!" "That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certainly fix th…" "Wait! Here's the weird thing though" the guy interrupts, "Everything is blurry. EVERYTHING. Except… People's butts. People's butts, dogs butts, cats butts. Butts! I see butts clearly! What's going on?" The Optometrist smiles and calmly replies, "Listen, you've got nothing to worry about. Everyone knows that hindsight is 20/20."
Very strong, and given proper credit for their contributions in both the home and the workplace.
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
Because it was feeling crumby! (Blatant cake joke for karma! LOL)
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I wish I could post this in any other sub.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
This proves I'm independent.