Hammer head shark
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don’t care if she has one.
I can’t believe Kim Jon Un wants to nuke South Korea
Does he have no Seoul
Today my doctor told me I was colorblind.
The results came completely out of the purple…
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is….”
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence. A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap…you should see my pants!!” A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
I always knock on the fridge door…
You never know when there may be a salad dressing.
I have a horse named Mayo.
Mayo neighs.
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and quite beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No way! They have no clothing and no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
Why do ghosts get so many DUIs
Cuz they're full of BOOS
Ironman’s favorite Christmas present this year were rockets he can fire from his feet.
He calls them missle toes.
I took my new gun out to the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
Did you hear about the all-janitor baseball team?
They swept the finals
Why is Donald Trump happy about the impeachment result?
Because it’s the first time he’s gotten the most votes.
What did the copper say to the scientist who was going back home
Cu Tips of to my classmate for telling me this
Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.
"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room. Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"
Making love for the first time
Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical" so after we made love i disappeared
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient…
…as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.
What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean
A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said “While you’re out, get some milk”
He never returned and the world ran out of milk.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack
Mountains aren’t just funny
They’re hill areas
Where do sheep get their haircut?
At the baa baa shop!
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.
He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.
I'm the real part.
My girlfriend said, “If one day, you want to run away, just let me know.”
Turns out she meant together.
NSFW can you give someone a skin graft from your butt?
Ass skin for a friend
I ate a clock today.
It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.
I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant….
but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
