Whoever stole my antidepressants..
I hope you're happy now.
In college, I lived in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
Cave man funny
“If organ trafficking is illegal….”
"Then what about pianos?" -my half drunk dad
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I write my name in cursive all the time –
It's my signature move.
It’s in there
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out the dog.
My sister just lost her tongue in a bad accident.
I wanted to make a joke out of it, but I think it would be very tasteless.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
A priest and rabbi were skinny dipping in a lake when a group of people arrived.
Some belonged to the priest’s congregation and the others belonged to the rabbi’s. The priest and rabbi left their clothes on the other side of the lake and didn't have time to retrieve them, so they got out of the lake hoping to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi who was running with his hands covering his face. “Rabbi! What are you doing?” he asked. The rabbi replied, “In my community, they recognize me by my face!”
I was born at a very young age.
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Everyone switch to Svelte!
Devs in team chats be like…
What do you call a dolphin that never ends?
Dol, cause there’s no “fin.”
There’s an L in Noel even though there is Noel
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What a great system
Trump finally beat Obama at something!
Just what the doctor ordered…
My dad posted this today.
ROBOT PAPER SCISSORS because uhhhhhh
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, confirming that it could arrive at their position in approximately two weeks. The old vet sighed and shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. The young soldier scoffed. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
A shoplifter stole an entire case of red bull from my store
I don’t know how he sleeps at night
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
Found this out shopping
I told my boss I need a pay rise and that 3 other companies were after me…
He said 'which ones?' I said ' Gas, electric and water'
What is a Cannibal?
Someone who is fed up with people.
I’m an American, and I’m sick of people saying, “America is the stupidest country in the world.”
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
We knew it all along
The zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210. This zip code for Dawson’s Creek is 90108…
For my liiifffeee to be oveeeerrrr!
“I’ve just had the worst time” the boy said.
"First I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy." "Wow!" said his friends."How did you survive?" "I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever had"
I usually wear 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing
Last time I got a hole in one
I saw an all-male choir performing on the weekend. I said…
…"There are 99 people in that choir." My son, who was with me, asked, "Wow dad! How did you count them so quickly?" I replied, "They are singing "Africa" by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do."
It’s a nightmare…
It works but I’m not sure why
What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
Friends of the Rising Deficit
What if I told you, there is a world outside of yours.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.
I could never date a single mum.
Because then they wouldn't be single.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2
How to program in COBOL
My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills
But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.
I really tried
Useful but not correct!
(yes I know why it’s called that)
I will survive!
If… else statement in it’s best.
Shout out to the guy that makes these sausages
In my heart, he'll always be a wiener
It do be like that
How do you catch a bra?
Well, first, you gotta set a boobie trap…
A dictator loving crony capitalist.
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar, every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in.
It’s currently half empty
Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”
Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”
Ngl this was what we did on our free time
Its not over
When You Try to Add “two” to a 2
What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Found on Facebook
Haha legs go brrrrr
Smoking will kill you. And Bacon will kill you. But…
Smoking Bacon will Cure it.
Bigger in Texas
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!” “Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
We all know what MAGA really means
One broken wing
prepare your stimulus
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”
Death was not something she deserved….
Three men died and ended up in Hell…
They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity… as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way. The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog. The fallen angel appeared and tied the ugliest woman he could find to the man's wrist. The second man lasted a week before he stepping on a frog as well. The fallen angel appeared and tied another extremely ugly woman to his wrist. The third man went years without ever stepping on a frog. Out of the blue, the fallen angel appeared with the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen and tied her to his wrist. The man asked, "What ever did I do to deserve such a reward?" The woman turned to the man and said, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a frog."