Hands solo
My rich friend hired a one-armed butler, and is now regretting it.
Serves him right.
What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock’s vagina in Bird Box?
Bandersnatch. I'm sorry.
The shovel was really a ground-breaking invention.
No text found
The guy who stole my diary just died…
My thoughts are with his family!
I’m so disappointed in this generation
These days, people will click on anything even if it's nothing more then a catchy title
A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.
The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve" The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye – and bites it. The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose. The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90. The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?" The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".
Equivalent of tickling your friend to make them laugh because the joke sucked
Equivalent of tickling your friend to make them laugh because the joke sucked
Her:I donβt even know what the cloning machine does
Me:Well that makes two of us
My kid asked me, βDad, what are condoms used for?β
I said, βUsually to avoid answering questions like these.β
My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day.
Now they just call me Dav.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
Whatβs the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
And you wonder why youβre stuck in the ER for 8 hours
And you wonder why youβre stuck in the ER for 8 hours
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
Why did the nearsighted woman fall into a well?
Because she couldn't see that well.
The people from Stockholm in Sweden must really love it there
They never seem to leave
I donβt often tell Dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…..
…. when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, heΒ΄s also a terrible driver"
Flat earthers have nothing to fear
Except sphere itself.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.
Thatβs a lot of pressure.
My wife phoned me while away.
"How's the baby?" she asked. "Have you changed her nappy today?" I said, "No, I haven't changed it all week, in fact." "What? Why the hell have you not changed our baby's nappy? It's been five days!!!" I said, "Because it says 4-6 months on the packet."
I used to be a skydiving instructor.
I dropped out.
I donβt have a βdad bodβ…
I have a father figure.
Why don’t Africans eat at the restaurant?
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
A man in an interrogation room says, βIβm not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You are the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So whereβs my present?!"
I was a soap addict.
But now I'm clean.