Happened a lot of times :)
I walked in on my girlfriend in bed with her personal trainer
I told her this isn’t working out
The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
My wife is nervous about having to talk to strangers on a cruise we are about to take.
I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”
What do sprinters eat before races?
Nothing, they fast
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary.
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too.
Since I’ve installed Adblock Plus
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
What’s an extreme sport?
Doing your homework while the teacher is marking it
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
The first time I ever used an elevator was a real uplifting experience.
The second time was a big let down!!!
![[NSFW] Posted by an actual boomer on my facebook](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/mzradmnz4j441-400x325.jpg)
A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?” The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”
EVERY HAT RACK IN THE HOUSE FELL ON ME.
SORRY, I'M STUCK IN CAPS.
How Many Police Officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None they beat the room for being black.
The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi
What kind of flour do you buy an orphan
Self raising flour
(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.” The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $200 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.” “Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, sir?”
Son: What’s upstairs?
Dad: Stairs don't talk
What’s the definition of a Will?
Come on guys! It's a Dead Giveaway!
What does a horny frog say
Rubbit
![[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/no_image_card-152-400x247.png)
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I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
My wife just found out she’s adopted.
She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears. On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.
A woman answers a knock at the door at 3pm and a man asks if she has a vagina
She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave. The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?" The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds. Growing more disturbed, she told her husband, who decided to take the day off work in hopes of seeing the man and handling the situation. Sure enough, the next day at 3pm, there is a knock at the door. "That's him," the wife says. The husband tells her, "Open it. I'm going to hide. I want to see where he is going with this." The woman opens the door and the man asks, "Do you have a vagina?" After some hesitation, the woman answers, "Yes." The man then tells her, "Why don't you let your husband use it so he'll leave my wife's alone?"
Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me.
With just the tip.
Can we just stop specifying the state when we make this joke? Pretty sure I’ve seen all 50
https://ift.tt/2xjJXr3
Two medieval instruments are having a conversation
"I'm a harpsichord." Says the first. "I'm a lute." Says the second. "No you're not!" Says the harpsichord. "You're that other string instrument!" The second looks at him, shocked, and says, "Sir, are you calling me a lyre?!"
What do you do if you break your leg in two places?
Never, EVER go back to those two places.
Every morning I get hit by the same bike
It's a vicious cycle…
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You bastard!”
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a fucking shovel he said he didn't have one!"
I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia
She looked up and quietly replied, “they’re right behind you.”
I found a spot of cancer on my bingo card.
But don't worry, it was B9.
The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like she's never seen a penis before.
What do you call a state when it gets married?
Missus-sippi. (buh-dum, tss)
What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe
Why did Thor lose his power to use lighting?
His father grounded him
I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.
Hope it’s not terminal.
After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it