Happiness? What?
The other day I was washing the car with my son
He asked me why I couldn’t just use a sponge.
My idiot neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM… who does that??
Luckily I happened to be up practicing my trumpet
I went shopping in two different stores today for alcohol and, both times, was asked to remove my sunglasses.
I guess I must've looked shady. [Based on a true story!]
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
The person who invented the wheel to make life easier is so lazy
All he did was cut corners
Why are there two “d”s in reddit?
The second ones is a repost like this joke
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Did you hear the meh French woodworking tourism slogan?
Come see, come saw
What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?
A civil engineer
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
12yr old daughter got me good
She walked up to me, hands behind her back.. "Check it out, dad! This is really funny looking!" "What? Lemme see…" And the little shit holds up a mirror to my face, giggling her head off. Payback is a bitch, little girl….
What do you call a cow that gives no milk
An udder failure
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised. Usually Australians boo meringue.
Apparently my snoring is so loud that
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
I stumbled upon an Elk with no name…
… it was Anonymoose
Did my first Uber shift last night till 5am and I forgot to charge each customer.
All that work and nothing to chauffeur it
I had a granny that we couldnt decide whether to bury or cremate
In the end we decided to just let her live.
At last…….I have managed to find my wife’s ‘G’ spot….
….who would have thought her sister had it the whole time
When I drink too much alcohol I’m called an alcoholic,
but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me… Or texts me… or talks to me… I’m very lonely.
After the Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
I’m not racist, i love all races equally
Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter
News just in: Local police have acquired 1000 bees
They're believed to be used as part of a sting operation
Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says, “Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!" The wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie
What is the opposite of minimum?
minidad
Why haven’t aliens landed on Earth yet?
They saw our review. 1 star
Did you hear about the new type of broom?
It's sweeping the nation
A joke isn’t really a dad joke
until it’s fully groan.
After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
The police stops a man and woman who have their seatbelts on.
Police: "hi you're the first people today with their seatbelts on, so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar." The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks "what are you going to do with the money?" The man answers: "I'm going to take lessons for my driver's license" The woman: " don't listen to him. When he is drunk he says stupid things!" The man on the backseat: "I told you not to ride in a stolen car!" A voice from the trunk: "did we cross the border?"
Okay okay I’m up next sound cool sound cool “HeRe” oh my god….
Okay okay I’m up next sound cool sound cool “HeRe” oh my god….
Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve?
Because it wasn't apparent who did it.
Why don’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our ratings. One star.
Man walks into a tuxedo shop and the associate says “do you need any help?”
The man gruffly replies "no i think im fully capable of finding my own tux!" Associate says "fine. Suit yourself."
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.