There's a steep learning curve.
CELLphies Ok, Im leaving
He’s a small arms dealer.
So you can Scandinavian.
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It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.
With an ithberg
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.
How could anyone stoop so low??
They’re making all the headlines…
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Because they’re good buoys
Doctor: “Let’s call it.”
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes – meet me in the car park.”
It came completely out of the purple
“Is this her first child?” He asks. “No this is her Husband.”
So one Nun can make sure that the other Nun doesn't get none.
They now yell “Donald, Duck!”
Then I saw the next two letters…
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
You can say… I solved the case.
Therapist: Tell me why? Me: screams
Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!
Me : "Okay, so I would identify as a bisexual." Dad : "And that means you would have a male partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "Or a female partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "So… That means if you don't find a partner, you're on standbi?" ME : ME : ME : ME : "Son of a b…"
You become a vacuum cleaner
They said if i didn't pay it back on time i'd be repossessed
I said, "That's my term, Eric."
Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is “It,” closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.
Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit.