Happy Bday Garfield
Men think about sex every 7 seconds…
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds… So it doesn't get weird.
I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.
She said, "That's a stupid name." I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."
An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast
for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12-year-old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, who exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, who replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Why does society seem to hate lazy people?
They didn't even do anything.
[On the highway] My wife: Hey, you missed a right!
Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!
My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm.
She had the nerve to spit it out on the floor.
What do you call 100 rabbits in a line running backwards?
A receding hair line.
A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
My wife just gave me a restraining order..
Who knew there was an incorrect way to use a colander….
I just bought PornHub Premium.
And now there arenāt any horny milfs in my area that want to have sex with me anymore.
When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend
but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.
Have you heard the story of the Spanish magician?
He was on stage one day and said "Uno…dos…" and then he disappeared without a tres.
Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer
My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He canāt say āpleaseā which I think is poor for four
“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”
"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"
If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN
You will get them VERY ANGRY
āJudge, Iām here to dispute 60% of my tickets!ā
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. Iām here to dispute 3/5 of my tickets.
My friend asked if I wanted to play Yahtzee.
I said "no dice."
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasnāt opened it yet.
My dad kept making a joke about interrupting cow
He was obviously milking it
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
Just heard someone bragging about their one night stand
Well I've got two night stands and a double bed
What’s the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data and the other is a hardware standard.
A penguin is driving his car
AĀ penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if heās found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says āIt looks like you blew a seal.ā āNo no,ā the penguin replies, āitās just vanilla ice cream."
What’s a pirate’s favourite letter?
You'd think it would be "R" or "C", but it's actually "P", because without it, he'd be irate.
Color Blind
I have recently been diagnosed with color blindness. It really came out of the purple. Donāt hurt me.
I’m a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)
Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me… Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once. So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids to read. Real boring stuff, really. So she cracks one open and starts reading in a monotone. A few minutes later, I'm bored out of my mind. Then, suddenly, she reaches over and starts jacking me off. Bam! Instant fountain. "That was great, but how'd you know that was gonna work?" I asked her afterwards. "Oh, it was easy. Just had to turn you off and on again."
Why did the tomato quit his job?
Because they weren't paying him a good enough monthly celery.
If you ever lock yourself out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
āCongratulations to drugs, who for another year in a row, has won the war on drugsā
https://ift.tt/35dOdVi
Why is womenās soccer so rare?
Itās hard finding enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
My dad says this every time
Me: Dad, could you call my phone? I canāt find it. My dad: OH PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?