I lent a girl my umbrella yesterday
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. 🙁
What kind of STD’s do fish get?
Merm-aids
This joke only makes sense if you follow rugby:
A Scotsman walked into a bar. There'd normally be an Englishman, Irishman, and a Welshman as well, but they're still in Japan for the Rugby World Cup.
Y’know working in a DIY/Hardware store has it’s odd moments.
Last week I caught someone trying to steal a light bulb! When I asked them if they needed help the person quickly shoved the bulb into their mouth and muttered. "Nah mate just looking for a light snack!" and walked off.
PASSWORD PROBLEMS ( LONG ONE )
Windows : Please enter your new password. User : cabbage Windows : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. User : boiled cabbage Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least 1 numerical character. User : 1 boiled cabbage Windows : Sorry, the password must not have blank spaces. User : 50bloodyboiledcabbages Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. User : 50BLOODYboiledcabbages Windows : Sorry, the password must not have cosecutive capital letters. User : 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow! Windows : Sorry, the password cannot contain a special character. User : IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow Windows : Sorry, this password is already in use.
Why was the borrowed money happy to be returned?
Because it wasn’t a loan anymore.
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian…..
…. an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub… The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on
The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him. Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they thought he was dead. The man replies, "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel fuckin great!"
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on." The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down. The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sake, buy yourself a razor!"
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
“Using three words…” said my personal trainer. “How would you define your body?”
I said, "In a gym."
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-

When the first poop of the year is the first poop in my new bed since i got it
https://ift.tt/2thvPN8
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
Someone broke into my garage earlier today and stole my limbo stick.
I mean, how low can you go?
Yesterday I purchased a world map…gave my wife a dart and said to her “throw this and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday”.
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
Wife: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
A group of photographers went out to dinner..
As they sat at their table, taking photos of their food for social media, one of the photographers realized he hadn't been given water. He approached the bar and asked for a glassful, with which the bartender obliged. Rather than immediately leaving, he stood there and stared at the bartender for a moment before returning to his seat. Soon enough, he found himself thirsty again, and took another trip to the bar, and once again stared at the bartender. This happened again and again throughout the night, with the bartender becoming progressively more frustrated by the photographers persistent requests for glasses of water and uncomfortable stares. Finally, on the photographers fifteenth trip, the bartender loses his cool and yells, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"
What did the Dalai Lama say to the Hot Dog Vendor?
… Make me one with everything.
What do you call a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables?
Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia
A man went into a toy store and ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. Why did the judge let him go free?
He had the right to bear arms.
I had the best Dad moment last night… *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad… how many kidneys do I have? Me: Two. You have two, son. Son: Nope… I have four. point to belly Two kidneys here… points to legs …and two kid knees here! The student has become the teacher.
When do you go at red and stop at green?
When you’re eating a watermelon.
What do you call a rude cactus?
A prick I’m deeply sorry
A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set
“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up” The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson. 2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in: ”all those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day! All those boarding, mind the gap and have a safe journey!…And all those who are upset by the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!
I skipped the gym today.
The elevator in my building wasn't working.
What did the Nazi dentist say on reddit?
Thanks for the gold kind stranger! Edit:Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Google is so dangerous! I searched how to become and arsonist…..
And immediately received 50,000 matches!!
People say I pronounce my b’s and v’ like a Russian…
Then Soviet…