Happy Halloween 2020

I hired a landscape gardener…

But he said he couldn’t help as my garden was portrait.

If your iPhone runs out of charge…

Does that mean you are out of apple juice?

“it’s cold so global warming isn’t real”

https://ift.tt/2rbepRC

Roses are black, violets are black

I suck at gardening

What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso

A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.

They charged him with attempted murder.

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign Language

On a video about the downfall of investigative journalism

https://ift.tt/2UVhO3z

You should never date someone with a lazy eye

They might be seeing someone on the side

How do you get a Redditor to click a post?

No text found

So it turns out dogs can’t operate MRI scanners

Luckily for me, catscan

The text format, watermark, and dead caption create an immense amount of concentrated chaotic energy

Why did the plane get sent to his room?

For a bad altitude

I’m trying to be a sociopath, but I realized I’m not great in manipulating people.

I’m more of a so-sopath.

Don’t forget to double tap and comment guys

Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me." "Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri. The Communist then turns to another friend. "Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me." "No hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven," says Petya. "Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day." "Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace," says Misha. "Thank you, comrades, for being with me throughout all these years," says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. "I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you. I never knew you loved me that much despite me being a stool pigeon." His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, he gathers his last strength and says. "And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass." Just as his friends were about to say something the old communist took his last breath. So Petya rushes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and together they shove it up their dead friend's butt. Suddenly, the friends hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting: "Open up, it's the police. We've received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death."

Science amirite bois

https://ift.tt/2s4iEPm

When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?

Quick answers please.

A man goes to visit his friend…

and discovers that his friend has turned into an arrangement of shapes closely fitted together, forming a repeated pattern without any gaps or over-lapping. “What happened?” he asks, mortified. “I came here to see if you were self-isolating and…” “Oh shucks!” said the friend, “I thought you told me to self-tesselate!”