Happy Halloween 2020
A slice of pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Telltale games is closing down.
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
Because he couldn’t see himself doing it
Bro you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
None of you actually know what a propaganda is, do you?
It’s when a British person takes a good look at something
I got one of them anti bullying bracelets today
Nicked it off some fat ginger prick at the park
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
I guess that's why I'm always reposting.
I just ate 2000 pounds of Chinese soup
It was Won Ton
Two old Jews are walking past a church
A sign out front reads, "Convert to Catholicism, get $20." The first Jew keeps walking, but soon notices his friend has stopped to take a closer look at the sign. "You're not actually thinking about doing that, are you?" he asks his friend. The second Jew turns back and says, "I don't know, twenty dollars is twenty dollars." He goes inside the Church, and comes back out about thirty minutes later. "So," says the first Jew, "did you get the twenty dollars?" The second Jew turns to his friend and says, "Oy, is that all you people think about?"
Dad jokes meet dog jokes
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
Kids today will never know how awesome pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.
Most things escape baby goats.
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”
Wanna hear a feminist joke?
Me too.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had reptile dysfunction
Where do DJs get their information?
The wiki wiki
I regret not commenting enough in my early years of CS, it’s just a habit of mine now
https://ift.tt/3aw0QNJ
It’s weird how nobody knew who the Iranian general Soleimani was a few days ago…
It's like he blew up overnight.
Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick
It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease. The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus. "But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket. "I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests." "But my fever, the pain in my lungs…what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?" The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."
I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.
But it is what is on the inside that counts.
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy…
At least, that’s what she said in her diary
Who can drink two litres of gasoline?
Jerry can.
Many people think the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden was an apple or fig, but many scholars now think it was, surprisingly, a mango.
For God said to Adam on that infamous day: "Now that you have partaken of the fruit, Man, GO!"
A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment…
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. "What's that gong for?" the friend asks him. "It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock." "How does it work?" The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole…it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
Why did Pluto have such a terrible vacation?
Because he didn’t planet well.
My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms
and it hertz alot.
My wife offered me a blowjob today.
‘Really’ I said ‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’ That’ll teach her to be funny
My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.
We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.
Whenever I undress in my bathroom,
my shower gets turned on.
You know what they say about a guy with big feet
They say "Sorry sir we don't have your shoe size"
My girlfriend told me I need to stop acting like a flamingo..
That's when I had to put my foot down.
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
An eyesaur
