Happy new year
3 men were in a boat. There were 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said “Have a good day, son”
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad." He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
Did you hear about the lumberjack’s first day on the job?
He got the axe after making a cutting remark about some dead wood.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor? Me: No, just the regular one
My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
Wanna hear a HIPAA joke?
Sorry, I can't tell you.
Idk why marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk
He is basically a giant banner.
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick?
Put it on my bill!!
A young muslim boy asks his dad ” what are you wearing on your head?”
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body." The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet." Son asks " what is that black tent mom and sister are wearing ?" Father :" It's called a burkha , it helps the hot desert sand from hitting the face during a sandstorm" . "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son…” "Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?
My friends always get mad at me when I steal their kitchen utensils
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take
Why did the grizzly get an F on his project?
Because he did the bear minimum.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s Dog and Schrodinger’s Cat
She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.
My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I'm shitting bricks to be honest.
What do you call the verses added to a song to make it longer?
Extension chords
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
What’s the difference between a sentence and a cat?
A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws
We imported a tree from Canada.
It's pretty oak, eh.
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building…
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
A man goes to visit his friend…
and discovers that his friend has turned into an arrangement of shapes closely fitted together, forming a repeated pattern without any gaps or over-lapping. “What happened?” he asks, mortified. “I came here to see if you were self-isolating and…” “Oh shucks!” said the friend, “I thought you told me to self-tesselate!”
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for
He said “Genius”
What’s the difference between In-Laws and Outlaws
Outlaws are wanted.
How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
An Irish man walks into the pub
The bartender asks him: “What’ll you have?” The man says: “Give me three pints of Guinness please.” So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says: “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.” The man says: “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.” The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him: “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.” The man said: “Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a major scandal
I just imagine Elon-Gate would be really drawn out….
How are Romeo and Juliet like the current pandemic?
One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.
Doctor : “ How many times have you watched Mary Poppins?” Me: “About 50, Why?”…
Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ve got an umdiddleyumdiddleyumdiddley eye”