happy new year bois and gals
My grandfather’s last words were, “Gallons. Quarts. Litres.”
That spoke volumes.
I’ve never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.
Become a Catholic priest and get them now.
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper;
but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh…
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
My Communist girlfriend is a real psycho….
How in the world did I miss all the red flags?
Why don’t people from Alabama do reverse cowgirl? [NSFW]
Because they never turn their back on family
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
I was going to put a vegetable joke in here
But you don't carrot all. That was corny. Don't beet yourself up about it. This is below my celery. Lettuce go our seperate ways.
What’s one vegetable you should NEVER bring on a boat?
LEEKS. (my 10yo told me this – he said he thought it up himself.)
Don’t use beefstew as a computer password
It's not stroganoff
I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.
Hope it’s not terminal.
My dad took me to an Apple store to buy me an iPhone 11
Me: "Please don't fart here." Dad: "Why?" Me: "Because they don't have Windows."
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive ?
Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran- Grandpa – it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby! (Blatant cake joke for karma! LOL)
“Dad, what do ballerinas wear?”
Dad: You can figure it out. Just put tu and tu together.
Among all the politically incorrect jokes I know, here’s my favourite:
Benjamin Franklin was the greatest US President.
If anyone on Facebook posts “He has risen”
Remind them to use the [spoiler] tag. Some of us haven’t read the book.
What did the bean say to the other bean?
How you been?
A dung beetle walked into a bar and said
Is this stool taken?
An r/jokes subredditor walks into a bar and the bartender immediately makes him an exotic cocktail. “How’d you know that’s what I wanted?”
"You come here every fucking day and it's always the same fucking thing."
Before I die
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn. That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
What do you call half of a Russian tree?
“Demi-tree”
My teacher told me I would never be any good at Poetry because of my dyslexia….
But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex…
He's a small arms dealer
Who can drink 2 liters of gasoline
Jerry can
How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. Never split the party.
Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder
Why don’t Africans eat at the restaurant?
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
What’s the difference between Abu Dhabi and Dubai?
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi do
What’s faster, cold or hot?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Friend: Your wife and daughter look like they could be twins!
Me: Well, they were separated at birth.
Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation…
..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose. Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,200,000. Colonel Smith chooses the reach of his arms, that is from the tip of his right index finger to the tip of his left index finger, which results in a distance of 75 inches (so he gets $7.5M). Finally Colonel McConaughey chooses the distance from the tip of his penis to his balls -"Colonel, choose two parts that are more separated, you'll win more money that way!" – says the soldier in charge of the measurement. -"No, i'm sure these are the parts i want measured, please proceed!" – answers the colonel. The soldier then proceeds to take the measuring tape from the tip of colonel's dick and stretches the tape to reach the balls when suddenly he stops and asks "Wait…where are your balls?!" -"I lost them in Vietnam"
How does Yoda ask a rooster to draw a picture?
"Cock, a doodle do."
Y’know
I once lived a stone's throw away from a family that all died of mysterious head injuries.