Happy Valentine’s Day I guess
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta
Love meant nothing to him.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
He has serious selfie steam issues.
He had reptile dysfunction
A mexican woman walks into a car dealership and starts looking at a car. A salesman asks if she needs any help or got any questions.
Her: Cargo space? Salesman: Car no do that. Car no fly.
But then I turned myself around.
Nobody has heard of herbivore
because it was soda-pressing!
I said “like bacon and burgers?” He said “no fatty, don’t eat anything!”
…because they've been breaking camels' backs for years.
Cash who? No thanks, but I'll take a peanut! For allergic kids: No thanks, I'm allergic!
I'm alright, but I think I dyed a little inside.
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors. Started my car, let it run. I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.
Can you imagine Hispanic?
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
Curiosity killed them all.
You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
I can’t believe how far I’ve come.
I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.
There were two finalists – one from the most prestigious university in the country, the other a country bumpkin from out West. They were each given 20 seconds to compose a poem about Timbuktu. Up steps the university student and he goes: "On the lonely desert sands, Crossed a lonely caravan. Men on camels, Two by two. Destination, Timbuktu." The crowd went wild – amazing for 20 seconds. Then it's the country bumpkin's turn: "Tim and I Off hunting went. Found three girls In a pop up tent. They were three, And we were two So I bucked one And Tim buck two."
There rabbit takes a look around the joint and says, "I'm beginning to think I'm a typo."
Its like I had never seen herbivore
So he could pickup his Master's degree.
Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him
Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”
Good players are hard to find.
They always quack the case.