Hardly something to brag about
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master’s degree…
My sister bet me $15 I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
Why did the mods of r/iamatotalpieceofshit cross the road?
To collect money from Joel Michael Singer.
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had locomotives
I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes. Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes. Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.
I’m so sick of people saying stealing is wrong.
I just don't buy it.
Chewbacca crashed the Millenium Falcon the first time he flew it.
Wookiee mistake.
You can’t run in a campsite, you can only ran
Because it’s past tents
I have the heart of a lion…
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
A lady dies and goes to heaven.
When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she sees someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "My dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
“Doc, all my 5 kids want to be valets when they grow up!”
Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Did you know that French Fries don’t originate from France?
They were originally made in Greece
Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?
So they can Scan da navy in
I know every single digit of pi.
I just don’t know the order of them
What is a tree’s favorite app?
Sapchat
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
If you’re not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.
I’d like to tell my lasagna joke here,
…but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy
Depressing pickup lines.
Are you suicide? Because I think about you every day. Are you a toaster? Because I really want to take a bath with you. Are you a noose? Because I really want to hang with you. Are you a gravestone? Because I really wish you were on top of me. Are you anti-depressants? Because if I don’t have you every day I’m going to kill myself. Are you a coffin? Because I really wish I was inside you right now. Are you a coroner? Because I really want you to inspect my body. Are you a death certificate? Because I really wish you were mine. Are you an electrical outlet? Because I really want to stick my fingers in you. Are you traffic? Because running into you would really make my day. Are you a sinking ship? Because I’d really like to go down on you.
I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition
I don't know where I came
I got a root vegetable stuck in my eat and when i went to the hospital they ignored me!
It's like they didn't carrot all.
I got lead poisoning from a Dr. Pepper knock-off
I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
Whenever I go to bed I imagine I’m a cop
I go under cover.
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
Having children really brought my wife and I closer together.
Now we have a common enemy.
It takes balls to be a semen donor
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I used to live on the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th.
But that’s another storey.