Hardwork didn’t pay off…
“I don’t believe it. My son was invited to a sex party.”
"By?" "No, he's straight from what I know."
A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive
"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!" "Then why are Androids so much cheaper?", asked the journalist. "Because," said Tim Cook, "an Android replaces just one device. The iPhone."
Danny cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice…
He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem." The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?" "Yes, it's absolutely sweltering" "Then get an air conditioner" "I can't afford air conditioner doc, I'm too poor" "Well, Danny, do you have a good friend, I mean a real close friend?" "Yeah, I've got a close friend, Frank" "Well, ask your friend Frank to stand over you and your wife with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help." So, Danny asks Frank for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Danny is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Frank fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her. Danny says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Danny takes the towel and starts wafting Frank, who is now making love to Danny's wife. Not long after, Danny's wife goes "Oooh… oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!" Danny shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Frank?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down
I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
A man goes into his garden and notes a broken fence.
He thus searches online for someone to fix his fence for him, but he is not satisfied with their prices – that is, until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing; but since it’s free, he feels like he has nothing to lose, so he hires him. Sure enough, a few days later, the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand. The man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later, the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished; and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can’t just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free, he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk. “It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair,” noted the man. “Why do you do it?” The monk replied, “Religious reasons.” The man then says, “I don’t know much about Buddhism. Why do you need to repair fences?” “Because,” the monk replied, “you would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting.”
I’ve asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the bar…
Well, she always said she wanted a night in shining armor!
This morning, my wife dragged me around the store looking at futons…
I thought, there is no way they're going to fit in a bowl of soup…
I didn’t realize my dad used to steal board-games from the toy store.
But when I look back now, all the Clues added up.
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
Why did donald trump throw the sick eagle out of USA?
Because it was an illeagle.
I will always remember the words my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket.
"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"
Text exchange with my 70-yo father. He’s still got it.
Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today 😉🎄 Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲 Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree. Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son 🤓 Me: Oooof Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you? Him: I wooden know about that
Why is getting broken up with like doing algebra?
You've got an ex, and you're trying to figure out why.
You’ve heard of Alphabet Soup…
… now get ready for Times New Ramen
My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar
Yeah, like I'm falling for that
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
I entered a pun contest once
You had to send in your best puns, via snail mail, in an orderly list. I sent ten in, thinking at least one would win me a prize, but no pun in ten did.
What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?
Do you see what I see?
My dad once told me that jacking off too much can make you go blind
Then I said "Dad, I'm over here."
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.
I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…
The servers are currently down…
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.
Did you hear about the archaeologist that got arrested?
His career is now in ruins.
Harry Potter has way too many characters…
Even J.K. Rolling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
Apparently girraffes only sleep 3 hours a day.
They must neckered.
[First date] Her: So, what do you do? … Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.
Her: Wow! That’s impressive! Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.
There are only 3 types of people in the world
The ones that can count, and the ones that can't
My son told me he can’t go to school because he’s constipated
I think he's full of shit
A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.
Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet. After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the father is sitting in the seat next to him. Finally he can’t hold it in anymore and a loud fart erupts in the room. The father looks over and sternly says, “Max!” The young man realizes the father thinks it was the dog who farted. Delighted, he feels another fart coming on. This time he lets it out and again the audible sound fills the room. “Max!” Shouts the father this time. The young man can’t be happier, he’s farting as much as he needs and the father thinks it’s their dog. Eventually he feels a third fart coming on. Without flinching the young man passes his gas again. “Max! Shouts the father. “Get over here before that boy shits all over you!”
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.