Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
A plain bagel.
He says he can stop anytime.
They never get any green cards.
Because he knew there was S'more to life
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.
Just look for the fresh prints.
They were watch dogs.
Install new lox.
They always take things literally.
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
If Phoenixes can fly why is he Joaquin?
He was on stage one day and said "Uno…dos…" and then he disappeared without a tres.
Let's go ride bikes!
Until the police came and removed me from the library.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
It feels like ancient history.
He was charged with homiecide
Now, when I talk, I have this weird Axe-scent
He went to the psychiatrist and he discovered it was more than just a fear. He has a complex complex complex complex The Doctor sent him to a specialised centre.. It was the complex complex complex complex complex. Unfortunately, it was an over-engineered building. Yes, it was a complex complex complex complex complex complex.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
One of them responded, "pho queue." The guy lied. There wasn't any soup noodles.
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?""What do you mean strange?""Because you sell only trumpets and guns!""So?""Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?""It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
I think I'm being stalked! EDIT: a word
Excuse me, doctor – my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?
ICU baby, shaking that ass
I will let you know.
Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks.
“Just twelve waters please!” Winks at disciples
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum, fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO THE FUCK, FUCKED MY WIFE!" Everybody stops, there's a lingering silence for a few seconds, then a guy in the back of the bar yells back "you haven't got enough bullets buddy."